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My word of the week is “kerfuffle.” Actually, it’s not my word of the week so much as it is that of Jon Stewart, outgoing host of “The Daily Show.” He used the perfectly legitimate word to describe the fuss being made over his replacement, Trevor Noah. This column is not about Stewart or Noah, no disrespect meant to those gentlemen, but rather the things that are leading into a kerfuffle.
The definition of “kerfuffle” is any fuss that is caused by a conflict of views. Yes, this is a broad definition, and, yes, by this definition, most of us are in a constant kerfuffle. I confess that I like the sound of the word, which takes the snarky edge off a word such as “pissed.” Kerfuffle sounds like a mixture of caramel corn and marshmallow.
The Phillies have me in a kerfuffle. By the time you read this piece, the baseball season will be a little less than two weeks old. For all I know, the Phillies might be on a rampage by that time and your columnist will appear even sillier than usual. But this is an organization that has spent more time figuring out the new menu items at the food concessions stands than the product it is putting on the field. One of the new food items is the Wayback 3×3 Burger, which consists of nine cheeseburgers stacked on top of one another on a roll. Forget about the fact that this sandwich should be served with a defibrillator, but how does someone eat it without unhinging his or her jaw?
Another bad idea whose time has not come is the bright notion that what the ballpark needs most of all is more alcohol. In my kerfuffle, I might be tempted to make a comment that more alcohol is the only way viewing this Phillies team, after having paid $65 a ticket, might seem like a good idea. Irony aside, Section 142 will serve up cocktails and wine. The label on the wine bottle proudly bears the name “Phillies,” although by this writing, the vineyard may have already been sold to the Boston Red Sox for two minor league prospects. Keep in mind that if someone is going to eat a nine-cheeseburger sandwich, a little red wine might help to cut the cholesterol level. Be forewarned though; watching the Phillies attempt to score runs this season could elevate one’s blood pressure to dangerous levels.
Managers at this time of year are supposed to be optimistic, and Ryne Sandberg is making a noble effort do just that. Note: noble efforts by the managers of bad teams are usually rewarded by their firing sometime during the season. Noting the Phillies anemic offense (actually this offense gives anemia a bad name), Sandberg says that he will just have to be more “creative” in scoring runs. “Creative” is really not adequate to the task facing Sandberg. “Creative” might mean being aggressive on the base paths in the normal baseball sense of the word. With the Phillies, being offensively creative would mean bringing in Merlin the Magician as their hitting instructor. Please distribute magic wands to the starting lineup.
Then there’s the recent kerfuffle over the Religious Freedom Act in Indiana (Arkansas also enacted a variation of the law recently). I am all for religious freedom. Our forefathers escaped England seeking religious freedom, but I don’t think Sam Adams was worried about the freedom NOT to sell a wedding cake when he and his fellow patriots tossed all that good tea into the harbor.
Let me get this straight. Cake bakers all over the country are worried that selling those outrageously silly wedding cakes for gay weddings violates their religious freedom. Religious conservatives are reacting as if Christians are being burned at the stake (with apologies to fans of the Inquisition). The bakers explain that by selling their cakes for gay weddings, they are “celebrating” a union that offends their religious principles.
This may be the loosest interpretation of the word “celebrating” since April 6 when I “celebrated” the start of this dreadful Phillies season. If I were a baker and I sold the Kardashians a cake for a party, would I merely be selling a cake for an ungodly profit, or would I be celebrating the promiscuity and self-absorbed lifestyle of the Kardashians?…
You know what else gets me in a kerfuffle? The prevalent idea that government has no obligation to honor the pensions negotiated in good faith by employees unions as part of their overall compensation package. Politicians routinely kick the can down the road rather than fund the pensions of their employees as they agreed to do. And then when the can gets far enough down the road, politicians tend to bad-mouth those “greedy” employees for not wanting to cut their own pensions and take one for the team. Worse, it seems many voters side with the politicians rather than the working stiffs like themselves.
I’m in a kerfuffle over the NCAA Tournament. While CBS likes to play “One Shining Moment” over the highlights at the end of the final telecast, but that moment shines much more brightly for the schools and their highly-paid coaches than it does for the unpaid athletes. Most of the players never get to turn professional while the coaches and schools rake in big bucks off them.
Kerfuffle.
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