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(David Letterman is retiring from the “Late Show,” so here’s this columnist’s tribute — using one of his favorite forms of humor — the Top-10 list)
Top-10 reasons David Letterman is retiring:
10.) His interns grew too old to fool around with.
9.) Retiring? Is that what you call it when network executives put a gun to your head?
8.) Regis Philbin needed a pinochle partner at the local senior center.
7.) His audience demographic was older than “The Golden Girls.”
6.) Dave would get cranky every time the staff made a mistake and gave him coffee with caffeine.
5.) He kept asking Paul Shaffer to play songs from “No, No, Nanette.”
4.) The new network guy kept asking Dave, “so what’s with the gap between your front teeth?”
3.) He mistook guest Kim Kardashian for a stripper he dated 30 years ago.
2.) He always wanted to return to Indiana and become a race car driver.
1.) He was left with one sponsor asking him not to retire — Depends.
Top-10 reasons the “Duck Dynasty” musical flopped in Vegas:
10.) Its big musical number involved making duck calls.
9.) Hugh Jackman declined the lead role.
8.) In a silly attempt to attract more gays to buy tickets, they forced the lead to wear pink camouflage.
7.) Liquor sales suffered when they sold only moonshine.
6.) The show’s brisk sales from West Monroe, La., were not enough to pay the bills.
5.) Surprisingly, duck hunters around the rest of the country do not have a big interest in visiting a resort in the desert.
4.) The sale of souvenir camouflage T-shirts was a bit off expectations.
3.) It did not go over big when the producers decided that realism dictated that there be no running water in the casino theater’s restrooms during the running of the show.
2.) Duck Dynasty family members insisted that the big pasodoble dance number be cut from the finale leaving the ending
anti-climactic.
1.) The Vegas audience kept hollering for Siegfried and Roy during the entire performance.
Top-10 reasons Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn split:
10.) Tiger was having problems with his putts
9.) I really can’t top number 10.
8.) She insisted that Tiger stop impersonating a golfing great.
7.) Tiger is not used to second billing on “SportsCenter.”
6.) After a spat, Vonn tried to hit Tiger with one of his golf clubs and missed.
5.) Vonn claimed she was mislead into thinking that Tiger was the golfer for whom they named the half-lemonade, half-iced tea drink.
4.) Tiger decided maybe blondes were not bringing him good luck.
3.) Tiger indicated an interest in hanging around with Bruce Jenner.
2.) Tiger refused to stop wearing his dark green jacket to bed.
1.) Worth repeating — Tiger was having problems with his putts.
Top-10 reasons a Republican will not become Mayor of Philadelphia in 2015:
10.) Hint: Try to name the Republican candidate for Mayor in Philadelphia in 2015.
9.) If you guessed Melissa Murray Bailey, chances are that you are Melissa Murray Bailey.
8.) Name the Republican candidate for Mayor of Philadelphia in ’11. Hint: it wasn’t Thatcher Longstreth. Second hint: she lost.
7.) The next person to spot a campaign sign for Melissa Murray Bailey, please raise your hand
6.)Ditto for a television campaign commercial.
5.) Melissa Murray Bailey may become the first mayoral candidate to have more names than votes in the upcoming Republican Primary.
4.) Not that it makes her a bad candidate.
3.) Philadelphians have decided that Democrats have done such a good job of running this city since the last Republican mayor in 1952 that they’re afraid to switch parties.
2.) Why doesn’t Milton Street run as a Republican for mayor? Isn’t that an idea whose time has come?
1.) Karen Brown was the Republican candidate for Mayor in ’11, but I bet you knew that. She received 21.4 percent of the vote. Good luck, Melissa Murray Bailey!
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