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We all have individually goofy quirks and preferences, such as my refusal to write only with black Papermate pens, but I find it more interesting to address shared beliefs and theories. Since tomorrow will mark 2016’s only Friday the 13th, I started to think about a few local notions that strike me as superstitious. I have also exercised some liberty in making up a few based on my observations as a 12-year resident of this never-dull part of the city.
10) Dog waste will pick itself up: Oh, how I love competing in the Let’s Dodge Dog Feces Olympics each day! Stiff winds might make bags and papers find a new address, but unless a hurricane comes our way, poop is going nowhere.
9) Pushing an elevator button multiple times will work: Our busy schedules make us actually think that the fourth or fifth push of a button will make an elevator come faster. This belief is definitely out of order.
8) Liberally honking a honk actually accomplishes anything: Well, it does make everyone around the honker think he or she has impulse control problems. We know you have somewhere to go. Let one honk suffice, and curse your target under your breath instead when someone is an inconsiderate slowpoke.
7) Placing large objects in a parking space will prevent people from taking it: A winter phenomenon, the placing of chairs and God-knows-what-else in a shoveled parking spot always gives me a little laugh. I suppose some people think size matters when they place mammoth trash cans or beach chairs in the spaces, but my guess is that your spot will still be a goner, as some pretty daring people love to wage a battle of wills in our ’hoods.
6) Bagging one’s own groceries is bad luck: Yes, I know supermarkets employ people to bag items, but if nobody is available and if you are an able-bodied person, BAG YOUR OWN STUFF!!!! Please do not fidget with keys or coupons and leave a cashier with a lengthy line to tend to your purchases. Please.
5) Burying a statue of St. Joseph will help someone to sell a home: I am a practicing Roman Catholic, so this belief has always appealed to me, especially since St. Joseph is my namesake. This divine practice reflects his status as a carpenter and must have his feet pointing toward heaven if it is to work. How fitting!
4) A Virgin Mary statue in one’s window will help to ward off wedding week rain: A neighbor reminded me of this one that gives me two Roman Catholic examples. How I wish I had a third to form a trinity. Ah, religious humor!
3) The evil eye will spell your doom: Being mostly Italian (Don’t let the last name fool you!), I grew up hearing about and fearing the malocchio, or the evil eye. I have actually come to believe more in cold hearts as the truest source of misery, so stare away, you jinxes. I have you covered.
2) The Eagles will somehow win the Super Bowl: How many people did I just make mad? I am a Flyers fan, so hit me where it hurts right back, everyone. I am rooting for first-round draft pick Carson Wentz to help to make me eat my words, though. We need another winter parade to complement Mummers action.
1) Saying “sauce” instead of “gravy” makes someone a moron: Or a “medigan,” for better effect. This is such a touchy subject that I think I am going to hop on the gravy train so as not to come across as saucy. ■
