1. If John Kerry is a flip-flop artist, what does that make keynote speaker and Democratic senator Zell Miller?
2. FDR and Harry Truman are more popular with Republicans than Bush 41. Count the times each was praised.
3. If the Bush twins made it to college, there’s hope for Paris Hilton.
4. Screwing up in Iraq doesn’t make you a bad person.
5. Screwing up the economy doesn’t make you a bad person either.
6. Texans swagger instead of walk. Must be all those hours riding horses on the ranch.
7. Anybody who changed his mind about the wisdom of invading Iraq just because we didn’t find any WMD or a nuclear threat is a wuss.
8. ‘Tis better to be steadfast and wrong than hesitant and possibly right.
9. "Four more years" can sometimes sound like a threat.
10. ‘Tis better to have two teeth filled in Alabama than to see action in Vietnam. Hope Toby Keith puts that on his next CD.
11. Arnold Schwarzenegger lived an immigrant’s American dream — steroidal fame in Hollywood, group sex, Maria Shriver and the governorship of California. No wonder there isn’t enough ocean or barbed wire to keep the immigrants out.
12. Frank Sinatra might be dead, but he’s still the most talented Republican entertainer.
13. While saying all those nice things about President Bush, John McCain had his fingers crossed behind his back.
14. Zell Miller bit TV talker Chris Matthews during an interview and Matthews had to be treated for rabies.
15. When it comes to whether our government should fund stem-cell research, Laura Bush is my expert.
16. President Bush has made all of us safer, unless you count our soldiers.
17. Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist and his predecessor, Trent Lott, go to the same hairdresser.
18. Republicans are for less intrusive government, unless you count the bedroom.
19. The president will leave no child behind unless he or she deserves it.
20. The next time Rudy Giuliani reminds anyone that he is in favor of gay marriage and is pro-choice will be the next time his Yankees don’t make the playoffs.
21. When the Republicans tell you they’re going to get government off your back unless you make more than $200,000 a year, better buy a back brace.
22. In the president’s "ownership society," we become more free — to declare bankruptcy.
23. Osama who?
24. You can trust George W. Bush to mean what he says … and that’s what scares 50 percent of us.
25. The theme of the GOP Convention: "Patriotism is the last refuge of scoundrels."
