I see where Donald Rumsfeld is puzzled why the media is making a big deal about violence in Iraq.
According to Rumsfeld, there’s not a whole lot of difference between Fallujah and our own big cities. Some people get killed in Fallujah, some people get killed in Philadelphia.
I must say, however, that the rate of beheadings is down in Philadelphia. I’ve also been surprised that I’ve been able to shop at Strawbridge’s without people blowing themselves up because they don’t like the Clover Day sale.
And it is my considered opinion that when we don’t vote in Philadelphia, it’s because we’re dumb and disinterested, not because a suicide bomber is lurking around the polls. Not even the North Philly drug dealers are willing to blow themselves up, unless maybe the street price for drugs goes way down.
You think Rumsfeld was just pulling our leg?
I’m of the opinion that letting Mayor John Street decide what’s in the new ethics bill is like asking Madonna to revise the Talmud. Getting paid $10,000 for not making a speech is like paying Celine Dion not to sing.
Philadelphians reelected John Street, which shows our firm and unyielding commitment to the proposition of one-party rule. I understand that the mayor also has come out against nepotism, which means someone else must have hired his brother and his wife.
Buzz Bissinger wrote a book about the Rendell administration called A Prayer for the City. I’m writing one about the Street administration called The City Doesn’t Have a Prayer.
I want to offer testimony that Dan Rather and CBS have not lost their minds. You may wonder, as I did at first, why anyone would have to prove that George W. Bush used Daddy’s influence to get him out of the draft and into the National Guard. The reason is about to be disclosed here for the first time.
As a ratings gimmick, 60 Minutes is planning to run a series in which they prove the obvious. Here is an inside look at some future offerings by Dan Rather and 60 Minutes (some of which may appear only on 60 Minutes II, otherwise known as the show where seniors go to die):
1. Dan Rather measures Danny DeVito and Shaquille O’Neil to prove once and for all which one is taller.
2. Using an actual moon rock from the home of Neil Armstrong, Rather proves conclusively that the moon is not made of green cheese.
3. 60 Minutes reexamines the O.J. Simpson murder trial and concludes that O.J. was really guilty.
4. Using his own record collection as evidence, Rather shows the audience that Tiny Tim couldn’t sing. Whether he could play the ukulele is left open.
5. Another visit to Al Capone’s vault makes it obvious there’s nothing inside.
6. Rather reviews the actual logs of the Titanic and proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that not only did the ship really sink, but that Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet were not on board.
7. A review of the last century of Phillies baseball proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that the team stinks. Actual footage used.
8. An unusually graphic episode of 60 Minutes involves Rather giving Ru Paul a physical examination to prove conclusively she’s not a she.
9. Rather dons an apron to show that I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter does not actually taste like butter.
10. In a nod to Philadelphia, 60 Minutes shows it’s highly unlikely that Temple University’s football team will have a winning season.
11. A team of highly respected surveyors concludes that New York City is bigger than Des Moines.
12. Elton John admits he’s gay, and that he has been for some time.
13. Rather surveys a group of teenage boys and concludes that masturbation does not cause blindness. Special appearance by George Michael.
14. Rather enters the world of hip-hop and shows conclusive evidence that Eminem is not black. White suburban teens are shocked.
15. In an effort to head off charges of bias against Republicans, Rather investigates the president’s middle name and finds out that "W" does not really stand for "Wrong."
