This guide was written specifically for baseball superstar Barry Bonds, who has indicated that he used substances given to him by his personal trainer without knowing whether they were steroids.
If any of these things occur, chances are that needle you injected into your butt is not just Vitamin E:
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1. If someone mistakes your head for the Goodyear blimp and asks why you aren’t flying above the stadium.
2. If Marion Jones suddenly thinks you’re hot.
3. If the next time you try to bunt, the ball lands 600 feet away in a lake and kills all marine life.
4. If you start getting your period every other week and you’re not even female.
5. If the only suit of clothes that fits you is an Incredible Hulk costume.
6. If you’re 40 years old and it keeps getting easier to hit home runs.
7. If you voted for Jason Giambi to head the President’s Council on Physical Fitness and Sports.
8. If you laughed when Giambi said he dropped all that weight on the LA Weight Loss program.
9. If you find yourself getting so irritable that you punch the Santa Claus in the shopping mall for asking what you want for Christmas.
10. If someone comes up to you and asks you why there’s no Goodyear sign on your head.
11. If the next time you hit a home run and Harry Kalas shouts, "It’s outta here!" he means out of this planetary system.
12. If the guy giving you the injection is charging you more than the national debt for "personal training."
13. If the guy giving you the injection says that you might hit 80 homers next season and you feel as if that’s about right.
14. If your vitamins are from Balco Labs instead of CVS. And they’re never "buy one, get one."
15. If you hurry to catch the team bus and run right past it.
16. If you thought, "Hey, Bush is doing a good job. Let’s give him four more years."
17. If what Pete Rose did seems harmless enough.
18. If the team tells you they had to get Boeing to design your batting helmet.
19. If you think Tyra Banks would be hot if only she had more muscle.
20. If your head gets so big, you have to use something from John Deere to shave it.
21. If you start getting acne and you’re 25 years past adolescence.
22. If you have to brush sawdust off your hands after squeezing the bat.
23. If your personal trainer suddenly appears on 60 Minutes.
24. If your body gets so big, your Hummer becomes a compact.
25. If the only thing that makes you feel vulnerable is when there’s Kryptonite in the area.
