With Jeanne Dixon no longer around to predict what will happen in the new year, I feel compelled to fill the considerable void. In that respect, if you think of Dixon as the Dick Clark of fortune-telling, you might consider me Regis Philbin.
In my humble opinion, here is what will happen month by month in 2005:
January: Ferko will win first prize for string bands and someone in my family will ask, "Were they the ones who played music from animated horror movies with a transvestite theme?"
The elections in Iraq will be held Jan. 30 as scheduled. A confident Donald Rumsfeld tells his critics, "I told you so." When advised that half the population, mostly Sunnis, chose to boycott the elections and are protesting the vote count, Rumsfeld replies, "Iraq is no different than Florida."
February: The Steelers beat the Eagles, 24-13, in the Super Bowl. Todd Pinkston fails to catch a pass in the end zone with three seconds left in the first half when he thinks a nearby cheerleader might blindside him.
The president announces, with "great regret," that he has accepted the resignation of Secretary Rumsfeld. "Don wants to spend more time with his family," says Bush, who awards Rumsfeld the Medal of Freedom. When told that Rumsfeld’s family moved while he was in Washington and left no forwarding address, the president shrugs his shoulders and says, "Stuff happens."
The president also announces that we have begun a phased withdrawal from Iraq: half the troops this week and the remainder next week. "It’s now up to the Iraqis to preserve their own democracy," says Mr. Bush.
South Philadelphians decorate their windows for Valentine’s Day. Surveys indicate that divorced people tend to decorate more than those who remain married.
March: Scenes of civil strife in Iraq dominate the news. In Baghdad, a statue of George W. Bush is toppled. Fox News blames liberal pacifists, led by Michael Moore, for undercutting the war effort. Rumsfeld, now the CEO of a timber company, says in an interview on Meet the Press that the unrest reminds him of America in 1863. "Sometimes you need a good civil war to sort things out," he says.
Duke beats Kansas in March Madness.
April: Congress passes the President’s plan to partially privatize Social Security. Mr. Bush predicts the plan will increase payments to the average American by about 10 percent if they invest wisely. At the same time, the president announces a reduction in Social Security payments of 12 percent to avoid increasing the deficit. When a reporter points out that this means the average American will lose 2 percent, the president appears to black out for about seven seconds.
May: A constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage passes. However, it turns out the amendment was poorly written and all marriage has been banned. Singles clubs do a booming business. Some wag suggests that in the future, the first Sunday in May will be called Unwed Mothers Day.
June: Embryonic stem-cell research has been legalized in all the Blue States and the Aleutian Islands. Red State citizens suffering from various diseases are moving to Blue States in hopes of getting treatment. The president is rumored to be moving his ranch in Crawford, Texas, to California just in case "the old memory starts slipping."
July: With the Phillies mired in last place, the organization fires Ed Wade and Charlie Manuel on the Fourth of July. Manuel is fired because no one has understood a word he has said since he was hired.
August: Iran annexes Iraq. The president announces this means there is one less terrorist state that can get a nuclear bomb since Iraq no longer exists. Fox News suggests that room be found on Mount Rushmore "for another great Republican president" after Bush leaves office.
September: The Scalia Supreme Court overthrows Roe vs. Wade, thus outlawing abortion. The Blue States legalize abortion. Fertile women flee the Red States to keep their options open.
October: Michael Jackson is exonerated of child-molestation charges. He is rumored to be flat broke from paying off victims and their families as well as witnesses. Jackson plans a comeback tour with a release of his new hit single, I Never Did Nothin’ to Billie Jean.
November: Men are seen fleeing the Red States in search of female companionship in the Blue States.
John Madden chokes on a turkey leg during Thanksgiving dinner, but is cloned and replaces himself on Monday Night Football telecasts.
December: The Eagles clinch their division with four weeks to play and place Donovan McNabb, Brian Westbrook and Terrell Owens inside a protective plastic bubble until the playoffs.
An informal census reveals that because of a huge loss in population, there are no more Red States. Toby Keith starts singing Cole Porter and the Indigo Girls are invited to sing at NASCAR events.
Happy new year!
