If there’s anything we need here in America, it’s a culture of life. You wouldn’t think that affirming life could be controversial, but think again. Each and every one of us must take a stand for life. And we have to make sure our children understand where we’re coming from. For those of you who need help, you may want to use this column to teach your kids about the culture of life in America and the one political party that supports it (but lest I forget, this is non-political).
1. Abortion: We’re against it. It’s murder. Period. In the case of rape or incest, which, I might add, is a red herring since it is not statistically significant, I propose a law that would require the permission of the fetus.
2. Capital punishment: We’re for it. The culture of life does not include criminals, even if you’re mentally retarded and particularly if you live in Texas. Do not be confused on this one. Just as we are protecting innocent life in the case of abortion, we are doing God’s work by hustling murderers to their just reward when we kill them. Being part of the culture of life doesn’t mean you can’t appreciate death sometimes.
3. Gun control: We’re against it. Always remember this most pointless of all slogans: Guns don’t kill people, people do. You don’t outlaw cars because car accidents kill people. This means you don’t get fooled into outlawing Uzis because that, my son, is what you call "a slippery slope" to just taking your weapon away altogether.
4. Stem-cell research: We’re against it. Yeah, it might save your Aunt Tillie from dying of Parkinson’s, but at the expense of a zygote? I’m afraid not. There’s life and then there’s life, you know what I mean?
5. Sex education: We’re against it in schools. Sex education belongs in the home. Just remember, it’s your parents’ job to teach you sex along with values. Remember what your dad said to you about the "birds and the bees?" Of course, you were so confused you didn’t figure out how to have sex until three years after you were married, but that was socially good.
6. Condoms: We’re against them. Condoms encourage promiscuity. If you don’t have condoms, you don’t have sex. If you do have sex and you get pregnant, then the sweet deal is if you can’t get an abortion, you’re stuck caring for an infant. That enforces individual responsibility, an indispensable part of the culture of life. If you have unprotected sex, you also can get HIV, to which I respond, "That’s life!"
7. Morning-after pill: We’re against it. Some folks want to dispense these pills over the counter sort of like Good and Plenty. This is where the nuance comes in.
Remember, just because we’re part of the culture of life doesn’t mean we can’t have nuance. These pills might harm women physically, and even if they don’t, they harm a woman morally. Having these pills could lead women to think it doesn’t matter if they sleep around; they might feel they can cure the "problem" with a pill. See, I told you – it’s an argument based on nuance.
8. Vaccines against cervical cancer: We’re against them. There’s a report that Merck and GlaxoSmithKline have developed vaccines that can immunize women against the most common infection associated with cervical cancer. I know. I know. You’re wondering why we can’t embrace the vaccines as part of the culture of life. Remember what I said before about nuance? I read in The New Republic that abstinence groups don’t want the vaccine because, says Bridget Maher of the Family Research Council, "They [women] may see it as a license to engage in premarital sex." No vaccine, no protection. No protection, hopefully no sex. But if you get caught, remember our slogan – that’s life.
