My Uncle Nunzi has nothing but scorn for our traditional Thanksgiving menu, especially cranberry sauce. He has formed a particular hatred for the stuff. It doesn’t matter whether it’s jellied or whole berry, for some reason Uncle has singled out cranberry sauce as the symbol of the inferiority of American food. In fact, our family has come to refer to anything we associate with a lack of authenticity as "cranberry sauce."
For example, the tiny island of Aruba is cranberry sauce. Uncle is boycotting Aruba. It is not necessary to go into the sordid details here of the missing young American woman, but Uncle believes the investigation by the authorities in Aruba resembles more Peter Sellers in the Pink Panther movies than Sherlock Holmes. Not that I want to be contrary, but I pointed out to Uncle he never travels to Aruba anyway. If I wanted to go, I wouldn’t, says Uncle, in a way that makes his argument seem perfectly rational. Since our own crime rate is soaring, I understand Aruba is boycotting Philadelphia.
The Terrell Owens saga has been pure cranberry sauce from the beginning, but it reached dizzying heights when Randy Moss proclaimed he wouldn’t play with T.O. There are very few things that offend Randy Moss. Bumping a police officer with your pickup truck or not blocking on plays where you are not going to get the ball are not among them. However sharing the football with T.O. is something Moss would find reprehensible. I expect any day now Charles Manson will be asked by ESPN whether he would be willing to share a cell with Terrell Owens.
Vice President Dick Cheney knows what he finds reprehensible. It’s the suggestion by some Democrats the Bush Administration deliberately misled them to vote for the war. Mr. Cheney does not find reprehensible his previous insistence that somehow Iraq was involved in the attack on 9/11 or that he secretly invited his Big Oil friends in for their input on environmental policy. Incidentally, Uncle feels asking the oil companies’ advice on making environmental policy is a little like asking Charlie Manuel for advice on teaching our youth the importance of speaking proper English. Perhaps "reprehensible" is a synonym for cranberry sauce.
The Democrats’ insistence it was the fault of the Bush Administration that they voted for the war has more than a whiff of cranberry sauce about it. Only a few of those in Congress who voted for the war ever read the 90-something pages of evidence provided to them. Instead they read the five-page summary. Now it is OK, I guess, if your senator or congressional representative is confronted a vote on a waterworks project and decides to read the Cliff Notes, but it would seem on matters of war and peace it might be prudent to read the entire thing. Methinks they doth protest too much now that the war has turned out to be so unpopular with voters. Only a cynic would wonder whether this president, who admits to his preference for reading summaries, ever read the entire report.
All the fuss over whether the new nominee for the Supreme Court will uphold Roe v. Wade is so much cranberry sauce. The Right knows overturning Roe v. Wade would be the second worst catastrophe to befall conservatives (the first being the record deficits of the Bush Administration). It would be the only thing to wake slumbering liberals from their decades-long sleep and shrink the Grand Old Party’s female approval in the polls to the 2 percent it now enjoys with African-American voters. Incidentally, it is not true Judge Samuel Alito has a tattoo on his buttocks that indicates his displeasure for abortion.
A Swedish study released a little Thanksgiving surprise last week. The report concluded oral sex can cause some forms of mouth cancer. I was shocked Uncle had an opinion on the issue, having been married to Aunt Millie, an early advocate of abstinence in marriage, for 47 years. Uncle suggests a surgeon general’s warning on everybody’s private parts. My own feeling is there are some risks in life worth taking.
As I write this, Congressman Jack Murtha from this state is defending himself against charges of cowardice from some Republicans because he has come out in favor of immediate withdrawal from Iraq. Murtha served 37 years in the Marine Corps and has two Purple Hearts to show for it. His detractors have a paper trail of deferments and the only way they could ever get a purple heart is if someone pounded on their chests with a ball-peen hammer. It’s outrageous. It’s so much cranberry sauce and happy Thanksgiving to you!
