You can’t keep a good man down. According to newspaper reports, former FEMA Director Michael Brown has figured out a way to earn a buck by counseling others on how to avoid Brown’s own mistakes. After screwing up the federal response to Hurricane Katrina, Brownie (as in "Brownie, you’re doing a great job") is starting a disaster-preparedness consulting firm. Ever the patriot, the self-styled "fashion god" says, "I hope I can help the country in some way." The business will simply be known as "Michael Brown L.L.C," although he’s rumored to have considered "I Screwed Up, Don’t You" or "Cronies R Us."
"I’m doing a lot of good work with some great clients," Brown said. "My wife, children and my grandchild still love me. My parents are still proud of me." No word on whether he is leaning on family for clients. But Brownie may be on to a new trend – profiting from one’s mistakes. Your columnist has discovered some other famous screw ups are starting their own consulting firms:
Terrell Owens has a new firm called "Keep Your Trap Shut," in which he counsels clients on knowing when to shut up. T.O. also advises on how to pick an agent to best represent your interests. Included is a free pamphlet, "Working for a Classless Organization (How to Avoid Pitfalls)."
Tom Delay’s new firm "Greed and Sleaze" tells you how to avoid getting into trouble by getting into bed with corporate lobbyists. Delay recommends, if you’re going to indulge, at least get a double bed.
Bill Clinton opened a consulting firm in Harlem that focuses on how to keep sex out of the Oval Office. "Keeping Willie Zippered" focuses on giving future presidents advice on staying out of trouble. Clinton suggests hiring female interns over 60 or marrying a woman with thin ankles to help keep yourself faithful.
Jimmy the Greek’s new outfit already has a client – the Air Force Academy football coach. The Greek’s specialty is avoiding racial stereotypes. His approach includes a vaccination that causes color blindness.
First-year Republican Congresswoman Jean Schmidt is already thinking of a career move after attacking Jack Murtha’s courage on the Congressional floor. Her consulting firm is "A Jackass by Any Other Name." Ms. Schmidt’s advice to members of Congress is to volunteer to serve in Iraq for a year before giving military advice to war heroes. She is also giving fashion tips, such as avoid wearing red, white and blue when you’re about to make a jackass out of yourself because it tends to give patriotism a bad name.
The new Mike Tyson consulting firm is appropriately called "Booty Call," although consideration was given to "I’ll Bite Your Buccaneer." Tyson recommends wearing boxing gloves when in the vicinity of a shapely derriere (this way you won’t be tempted to touch) and a leather-bound copy of the "Marquis of Queensbury Rules for Boxing."
Whitney Houston’s consulting firm "Career and Marriage" is especially valuable to young entertainers contemplating ruinous marriages to thugs who beat them up and give them drugs. Ms. Houston advocates the single life and refraining from co-starring in films with Kevin Costner.
A new consulting firm has opened right across from Citizens Bank Park and it’s run by Ed Wade. Ed told me personally he is already advising the new Phillies GM, Pat Gillick. According to Ed, charisma is all important in finding happiness when employed in this city. The trades don’t matter and neither do the championships, you’ve got to smile a lot and kiss the butt of the local media or at least look cool and intimidating like Billy King so they’re afraid of you.
Since Mayor John Street is in his last term, it seems only natural he would open his own consulting firm – one in which he intends to employ all his family members, including second cousins. "Nepotism Inc." seeks to warn other municipal officials of the dangers of employing family members and friends. Street’s brother Milton has accused him of betraying his family for a new career.
The entire Pennsylvania State Legis-lature will be advising future legislators on avoiding the public’s wrath for bending the rules to increase their own pay.
The firm – "Feeding at the Public Trough" – has hired Judge Russell Nigro as its spokesperson. Nigro, who was erroneously connected by the voters with the legislative pay scandal, has agreed to work pro bono.
There is an unconfirmed report President George W. Bush is thinking of going into the error-avoidance consulting business when his term expires. The only problem is Dubya can’t think of a mistake he’s made.
