My Uncle Nunzi is a Marx Brothers fan. His favorite Marx Brothers’ movie is "Duck Soup." That’s the one where Groucho plays Rufus T. Firefly, the ruler of the mythical bankrupt country of Freedonia.
Philadelphia reminds me of Freedonia. No, we’re not financially bankrupt, although we’ve flirted with it a few times. Philadelphia is morally bankrupt.
I know that sounds harsh. And, yeah, I dig the restaurants, the museums and the historical sights as much as the guy who dresses like Ben Franklin. But, like a fish which rots from the head down, the dry rot in City Hall has spread by extension to all of us who live here and keep voting these clowns into office.
It’s not just Rick Mariano, although I was amazed at how cheaply he was bought. Mariano is just a metaphor for the life and times of Philadelphia politics. He’s as Philadelphia as a greasy cheesesteak. Don’t blame Rick. He was just acting in the finest tradition of the politicians who have sold out this city time and time again. We shouldn’t be surprised Mariano intends to continue serving on Council, despite the fact he’s a convicted felon, because, in Freedonia, the rules allow him to collect a paycheck until he’s sentenced. Hopefully, when Rick shows up for work, he won’t be permitted to visit City Hall Tower. His colleagues choked when asked if they disapproved of a felon serving in City Council. Some could only mumble, some responded with stony silence or doubletalk. Such bravery. Only in Freedonia.
Our mayor, Rufus T. Firefly, also known as John Street, sits on a throne upon a steaming pile of manure. While the mayor is quick to point out he has not been charged with any wrongdoing, you would think surely he must have smelled the stench around him. All that wheeling and dealing done in his name and without his knowledge. How aloof is aloof? Is there a bubble around the mayor’s office? Don’t you at least have to swat the flies once in awhile from all that manure to keep them from biting you? At least Nero played the fiddle while the city burned around him. Our man Rufus just sat there, aloof. Aloofness is his stock in trade.
You have to keep pinching yourself as a reminder the people of this city voted to keep Street and Mariano in office. And, if they were eligible to run again, who among you would bet they wouldn’t win? Apparently, we were too busy worrying about whether the city’s professional sports teams would ever win a championship. We want so badly to be known as a city of winners, but what kind of people stand for the nonsense, incompetence and corruption that permeates City Hall? What kind of people stand for their streets to be taken over by drug lords, where every night on the news is another story of some little kid getting whacked because he was cleaning up a playground? Who cares whether the Eagles draft a wide receiver to replace T.O. when our city’s crime rate has become a national disgrace? You know what kind of people worry about such things – they’re called losers. No amount of sports championships will change that hard fact.
You know what really gets me fed up as much as the corruption and incompetence? It’s the petty feuds that dominate our local politics. I confess I can’t keep it all straight. The Fumo guys don’t like the Johnny Doc guys and the mayor doesn’t like either or is it the other way around? Michael Nutter can’t get a bill passed with his name on it because the mayor doesn’t like him so they come up with the exact same anti-smoking bill with another council member’s name on it to hopefully appease the mayor and his allies. We might be a big city, but it’s run by small minds.
Add to the mix John Perzel, the head Republican in Harrisburg, who hasn’t seen a city project he wouldn’t like to grab. Perzel worries about our lack of ethics in Philly so he wants to control who gets the casino licenses here. Isn’t this the guy who grabbed a pay raise out of the taxpayers’ pockets in the dead of night? When John Perzel is your idea of a step up in ethics, it’s time to move to Babylonia.
The relationship between Harrisburg and Philadelphia is as dysfunctional as the Simpsons’ household. While kids are being gunned down everyday on our mean streets, Harrisburg refuses to let us have our own gun control laws. Somehow the politicians in Harrisburg think their freedom to hold pigeon shoots in western Pennsylvania would be endangered if we had our own sensible gun laws to limit the killings in Philadelphia. So, while the national crime rate falls, the gun crime in Philadelphia is epidemic.
We are all living in a Marx Brothers’ movie, but the joke is on us. All hail Freedonia!
