Let’s all hear it for kitsch. My dictionary defines the term as "… appealing to popular tastes or interests …" but, with all due respect to Funk and Wagnall, it’s so much more. Kitsch is king in America, so it’s important we understand what it is. Kitsch is our pop culture. It’s thinking we have a culture at all.
Kitsch doesn’t always deal with chain restaurants, but hey, there are people who wouldn’t eat at any other place. Kitsch is eating at Buca di Beppo and thinking, "Who thought of that cute idea of spinning the Pope’s head to get your share of spaghetti and meatballs?" It’s like going to a Red Lobster and thinking, "Now this must be a good place to order lobster." There are actually people living in South Philadelphia who prefer the "fresh" bread at Olive Garden.
Kitsch is arguing over whether the fries are better at McDonald’s or Burger King. At Quartermaster Plaza, we have an entire shopping area dedicated to kitsch. Don’t forget to wind up the day at Chili’s, where the Mexican food is as authentic as Taco Bell. I prefer the real country atmosphere of Old Country Buffet. Nothing attracts Americans like a buffet and, when you add the word "country," well, that hooks most of us.
Country music may be the purest form of kitsch. I’m talking about the new country music; the kind where you listen to Toby Keith and you’re so fighting mad you want to go out and invade Iraq. Johnny Cash’s music definitely does not qualify as kitsch – too solemn and introspective – except maybe for "A Boy Named Sue." But Joaquin Phoenix playing Johnny Cash, well, that’s kitsch. Country music has gotten so cliché, Willie Nelson has been trying to escape by singing the classics, like "Stardust." Willie singing "Stardust" is not kitsch, but Rod Stewart singing it is.
Americans have a whole state devoted to kitsch – you might call it Texas, but it ought to be called Kitsch. Texans actually think they’re bigger than life because they live in a state that’s real big (except half of it is nothing but dust and military bases). They’re so proud, they think the rest of us ought to be glad to be in the company of "real" Americans. They eat beef at every meal and die proudly of heart attacks just to prove they’re real men. The women proudly serve at their side, just happy to bask in the reflected glory of their he-men. Texas kitsch has spread to the unlikeliest parts of America. You can walk on Chestnut Street and see guys wearing 10-gallon hats and belt buckles as big as a refrigerator. Bush’s approval rating may have dipped to 33 percent, but all of them are fake Texans. The closest a fake Texan has been to a horse is the main race at Aqueduct.
The bestseller list is a great place to find kitsch. Some of the best fiction in America these days is written as nonfiction. Everybody is stealing from everybody else and making things up because it sure sells a lot of books. Perhaps the best example of kitsch today is "The Da Vinci Code." People are actually looking at the "Mona Lisa" to figure out if the Church is conspiring to hide the good qualities of Mary Magdalene from them. There is actually only one true religious conspiracy: making sin less fun.
Books have been written to try and explain the true meaning of "The Da Vinci Code." The true meaning is it made a hack writer a fortune. There are actually people who brag about reading all of Dan Brown’s books. If you asked a bunch of Americans what Leonardo da Vinci’s greatest accomplishment was, most of them would tell you it’s the secret code he hid in one of his paintings.
Kitsch demanded Tom Hanks play the lead in the movie. Who else but Forrest Gump can track down the members of Opus Dei? This summer’s kitschy argument will be if the movie is true to the book. How long before "Eyewitness News" runs a poll on what was better – the book or the movie? And people will actually take the time to vote.
Speaking of voting, that leads to television’s king of kitsch: "American Idol." More Americans vote for their favorite Idol than they do the president – or at least give it more thought. What are Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell but the purest form of kitsch? Some of us were stupid enough to think Paula’s rumored affair with an Idol contestant would lead to her firing. But in the land of kitsch, she got a contract extension.
Sports are not immune to kitsch, either. Listen to Chris Wheeler interview Charlie Manuel and then go out an order the alfredo at Buca di Beppo.
