With the midterm election just days away, the president will address the nation the night before. Luckily, we got our hands on a copy of it.
"My fellow Americans. I am here tonight on the eve of a momentous election. Our nation faces a choice tomorrow that may determine the future of country music and NASCAR. I am here to tell you why it is of the utmost importance you vote Republican in tomorrow’s election.
"On family values: We must continue to defend the institution of marriage from activist judges, or at least from Barney Frank. Our gay congressmen are against gay marriage. If straight people are no longer marrying and gay people are allowed to, soon marriage will be just another part of the gay experience. I am expanding the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy to include gay Republican congressmen. My new policy is Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, Don’t Get Caught. I am also considering outlawing reading in public schools to keep pornography out of the hands of children. Laura has pointed out there’s a lot of filthy parts in today’s novels, especially those written by politicians. And here she still has me reading Camus. Wasn’t he one of those pantywaisted Frenchmen anyway?
"On congressional leadership: Did you see when Laura Bush got dressed as Nancy Pelosi for Halloween? Now that was scary! Listen, we don’t need more Democrats in Congress. If our Republican Congress gets nothing done, why do we need divided government?
"On Iraq: At least you know we won’t cut and run unless James Baker approves. By the way, can somebody tell me what the hell a benchmark is? We are constantly adjusting our strategy for winning this war, and I’m down to a Hail Mary pass in the end zone. As you know, we are fighting the terrorists over there so we won’t have to fight them over here. The Iraqi prime minister has suggested that since about 600,000 Iraqis have gotten killed in this war, maybe we could adjust our strategy so it’s more beneficial to his people. He’s got a point, because at this rate, we’re going to leave a very tiny democracy behind. I will ask the next Congress to designate Howard Dean’s home state of Vermont a war zone. We’ll invite al-Qaeda to fight over here for six months out of the year. This is what I mean about us being flexible and reaching out to the Iraqi people (and screwing a few Democrats at the same time).
"On the economy: Yes we have doubled the debt for future generations, but look at all those jobs slinging hamburgers we’ve created. Your grandkids will never be unemployed. I’ve heard Democrats claim we owe China a trillion dollars (which, I might add, buys a helluva lot of Chinese food). But that country is no longer a threat. It wouldn’t dare harm us if it wants its money back.
"On taxes: If the Democrats get in, they will raise the taxes of rich folks who own everything in the country and, in turn, charge the middle class more for goods and services. I call it six degrees of separation from Paris Hilton. Increase the death tax on her daddy and she’ll have to get a job. Paris won’t have time to make sex videos, and you, my middle-class friend, will be the one deprived in the end, or at least paying more for her old videos.
"On gas prices: Through my influence with the oil industry and the sheiks in Saudi Arabia, I have been able to get the price of gas lowered for a month. No long lines (unless some nut in South Philly starts giving it away again). No fruitcake ideas requiring everybody to drive a Volvo. But, if the Democrats win, the price of gas will soar Nov. 8 (after Cheney and me make a few phone calls).
"On torture: Let’s get one thing straight, we don’t torture. (Our friends do it for us.) As the vice president explained to me, water boarding is a lot like jet skiing for beginners. A little rough at first, but you get used to it. Having to answer David Gregory’s questions, now that’s torture.
"As Franklin Delano Roosevelt once said, ‘The only thing we have to fear is fear itself,’ (and getting thrown out of office). Americans will choose between giving me another Republican Congress so we can continue conservative values — raising the debt, fighting an endless war and intruding on the most personal aspects of your life — or handing the government over to Nancy Pelosi, the one Italian woman I know who can’t make a good meatball if her life depended on it.
"God bless America — you’ll need it."
