I don’t know about you, but our e-mail is sure getting crazy these days. Most of it falls into categories like bad jokes Henny Youngman would have rejected; sappy sentiments about friendship from people you would never call a friend; overtly religious messages containing images of the Virgin Mary in a piece of raisin toast; and ads for penis enhancements and stock tips (sometimes in the same message).
This morning I got something from an outfit aptly titled boreme.com. However, it did give one bit of interesting information, claiming more than 33 percent of women in London wish they were lesbians. Frankly, I think that figure could be applied in the States. If the study had gone further, it would have probably discovered a direct correlation between married women and those wishing they were lesbians. As a male, I can’t imagine anyone wanting to be in a long-term relationship with us.
Truth be told, there’s a good chance most wedded women have Mary Cheney as a role model. Mary probably gravitated toward lesbianism at an early age — perhaps she stumbled into the bedroom and caught Lynne and Dick in flagrante delicto. That certainly would have been enough to shove any intelligent person into a gay lifestyle. I realize there are religious fanatics who are disgusted by the thought of a pregnant Mary Cheney. I see it as an advantage. Imagine having two interested parents instead of one, both of whom are not only nurturing, but do not think getting up for the 2 a.m. feeding is an intolerable imposition. Imagine growing up without having one parent on a golf course when important decisions are made.
Of course, there could be other reasons why 33 percent of London women wish they were lesbians. They might just be big Ellen DeGeneres fans, but then wouldn’t Rosie O’Donnell scare them away? Males don’t see the obvious danger posed to us by this statistic because we are mesmerized by the thought of more lesbians. Our extinction is imminent, but if there are cute lesbians on the "Howard Stern Show," we’ll never raise a fuss.
Although given from the heterosexual perspective, boreme.com finds comfort in the possibility of rampant lesbianism sweeping the planet. These idiots are rejoicing because less straight sex means less children, less overcrowding, etc. They have turned the vanishing of the male species into a positive message on preventing greenhouse emissions. Men have turned into Al Gore and, if you’ve seen him lately, you know Tipper might be one of the 33 percent pining for some feminine companionship. Al is more likely to wind up in a Jenny Craig ad than run for president again.
I am particularly sensitive to becoming obsolete. If David Crosby continues to generously donate his sperm, there isn’t any reason for females to latch on to males — even for the purpose of having a child. Studies show American men are working more hours than ever, resulting in plummeting testosterone levels. The average American male has one somewhere between Richard Simmons and Clay Aiken. While we’re buying sex toys for girlfriends and wives, we are actually aiding and abetting our ultimate demise.
I am struck by the math. If a third of women wish they were lesbians and another are already there, that only leaves a third of the female population that might currently be receptive to our advances. What if the remaining happy straight women are all ditsy, like Britney Spears, Paris What’s-Her-Face and Nicole Richie? It is impossible to contemplate a relationship that lasts longer than 15 minutes with any of them.
What, then, is the future of our planet? Could this be what happened on Mars, once reportedly overrun by singles bars? Is this why some people so vehemently see danger in gay marriage? Perhaps they have peeked into a future where, other than David Crosby, males do not exist? These perceptive citizens are not gay-bashing bigots, they merely fear for the vanishing male species, a possible theme for a future Mel Gibson flick. It is not surprising this desire to join the Sisters of Sapphos has its roots in London. After all, this is a place that embraced Margaret Thatcher and has since found she had more cojones than Tony Blair. I know you are waiting for me to insert a punch line about George W. Bush, but my best joke about the rise of lesbianism and the connection to his surname would never make it into a family newspaper.
