Agita is no ordinary type of heartburn. To get agita, you really have to work at it. No little purple pill can make it easily go away because agita begins at the toes and works its way upward. Agita is not what you get when you eat several bowls of tripe and wash it down with a good dry red. That’s just heartburn. Agita is what you get when you’re stuck on the Walt Whitman Bridge for three-and-a-half hours because some dork throws a ram and ties up traffic. Agita is when your brother-in-law gets invited to eat at your house and then criticizes your politics or your wife’s cooking. Agita is what the news gives me every night, even if I’m not watching Katie Couric.
The war in Iraq gives me agita. You’d think that after 4,000 Americans have been killed the candidate supporting this war could tell the difference between a Shiite, a Sunni and al-Qaeda without needing Joe Lieberman to whisper in his ear. Some news pundit (pundit being Latin for "hack") described John McCain as acting presidential. Acting presidential in this instance is acting like our current leader, who has been out to lunch longer than my secretary.
Meanwhile Hillary with her sniper story is showing signs of battle fatigue. Is there no way to order her to take 30 days off for rest and recuperation? I thought she was going to come up with something better than she "misspoke." Misspoke is when my wife calls the guy who played Dracula, Bela "Luigi." Could be there was some flatulence in the area, which under certain circumstances has been mistaken for all sorts of sounds.
Here’s Hillary’s argument for becoming the Democratic candidate: Count the votes in Michigan and Florida because not to do so is "undemocratic," then let the superdelegates choose her despite the fact she trails in the delegate count and the popular vote, which doesn’t seem like democracy in action either. If she still isn’t ahead, let her husband cast the tie-breaker.
I even get a little agita sometimes from my guy Barack Obama. He keeps saying he sat in church for 20 years, contributed thousands of dollars and never heard his reverend utter a discouraging word about America. I’ve slept through a lot of sermons, but Obama must have been the Rip Van Winkle of churchgoers. Enough with the importance of religion in political campaigns. We already have a president who thinks God is on his side. What we need for the next eight years is somebody who knows when to sleep through a bad church sermon.
I don’t care what Gov. Ed Rendell says, a vote for Hillary at this point is really a vote for McCain. Rendell keeps pumping for Hillary, which is his worst decision since arguing for Ricky Williams instead of Donovan McNabb. Please, gov, a vote for Hillary extends the excruciating process and she can’t win. Do the math. It only helps McCain — you know it, I know it and the polls show it.
I get agita over night baseball in April. There ought to be a rule against it. If I wanted to sit outdoors in cold weather, I’d be a football fan. If you have to play games out of season, at least play them in the afternoon when there’s a chance for some sunshine.
Have you gotten agita over the economy yet? Remember when a good war at least kept you out of a recession? Bush has given us twin whammies — a recession and a war. He is Herbert Hoover and James Buchanan wrapped up in one and he’s not as smart as either. His press conferences look like a skit out of "Saturday Night Live." It’s not surprising he has approval ratings that rival the bubonic plague, but that there is anyone left outside of his immediate family who approves of the job he is doing. But what does it say about the American voter that we re-elected him after the first four years?
Uncle Nunzi claims Brioschi clears up agita. Brioschi is the Italian version of Alka-Seltzer. I try to tell Uncle I have the kind of agita that only a frontal lobotomy can cure. Unfortunately, it’s not covered by my medical plan.
I’m amazed folks still get scared over national healthcare. They’re afraid of "socialized" medicine. I don’t know about you, but I’m not about to give up my Medicare coverage and they called that socialized medicine when it was proposed. They also called Social Security a step toward socialism when it was introduced. "They" is the Republicans. I think bailing out Bear Stearns is a form of socialism, but I don’t hear any Republicans complaining about it.
Maybe it’s Republicans who give me agita.
