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It’s supposed to be summertime when the living is easy, Doc, but I’m getting stressed out again. First off, I know this isn’t your field, but I got carpal tunnel syndrome from sitting at a computer last week trying to get Pat Burrell added to the All-Star squad. Does this make me schizophrenic because a couple of years ago, I sat at the same computer writing letters to get Burrell traded?
I gotta tell ya, Doc, your own medical profession adds to my confusion. I mean, what is this with recommending cholesterol medicine for 8-year-olds? How about your brethren recommending just keeping the potato chips away from the little monsters?
How about this business with Fannie and Freddie and the mortgage crunch? I thought I was home free because I don’t have a mortgage and then somebody told me to check my mutual fund and I lost my lunch.
Maybe like Phil Gramm said, it’s all in my mind. That’s where you come in, Doc. Am I in a "mental recession?" Next time I go to the gas pump, can I fill ‘er up with anti-depressants? If John McCain doesn’t know anything about economics, how much does Gramm know?
Now we find out Iran doesn’t have a big new missile. Apparently, they were faking it all along. The photos of all those missiles firing were just the same old missile shot from different angles. What is that all about, and will somebody quickly tell the Israelis and McCain? McCain still lists "Bomb, Bomb, Bomb Iran" as his favorite tune.
I can’t figure this Barack Obama out either, no matter how much I listen to Sean Hannity. Hannity says Obama is a "radical leftist." I thought Sean would be happy when Obama moved to the center, but now he thinks Obama is a radical leftist who is also a fraud. I’m trying to figure out how Hannity got all this information about Obama that even his wife doesn’t know. He says Obama never made a tough decision in his life, unlike Hannity who has to decide whether to go for a new contract bigger than Rush Limbaugh’s. Hannity says McCain might be the luckiest politician alive because he’s running against Obama. But, Doc, isn’t that what Hillary thought?
Speaking of Hillary, all we hear is how badly in debt her defunct campaign is. I always thought when you lost, you didn’t have to pay off campaign debts or remove your posters from telephone poles. Apparently Obama’s supporters are reluctant to pony up money for Hillary for fear she’ll announce she’s back in the race. Before I contribute to bailing out the Clintons, I want a guarantee Bill won’t use the money for a night on the town with Gina Gershon.
I have heard so much about Main Street, USA, on political talk shows, I wanted to make a field trip there. I found there are a lot of streets in towns across America named Main Street, but they all have sushi joints and at least two Starbucks. Doc, you just can’t find homespun America. I am convinced there really isn’t any Main Streets left anymore, just the name. I figured I’d find the real heartland of America in one of those Midwest barbershops, but even there it costs you more than $20 for a razor cut and shampoo.
We’re all becoming very much the same. Maybe Obama was right when he said there aren’t any red states or blue states anymore because we’re all watching reality TV and ordering the special from Pizza Hut. I would add there aren’t any gay or straight people anymore, just people who don’t want to be without a date on Saturday night.
The City of Philadelphia has me a wee bit upset. It’s been reported it considered charging residents for picking up our trash. Now our current system of trash pickup isn’t perfect. For example, it would be nice if the guy driving the trash truck in the middle of the morning rush hour would just once in awhile pull over so the SEPTA bus can get through. And I don’t think it’s asking too much if one of the trash bags breaks because the sanitation worker’s toss was short of the trash truck, that same worker would clean up the mess. But with all of that, I prefer the current system to paying extra for it.
I think we’re finally headed for universal healthcare, Doc. Folks no longer think that getting their medical bills covered means we’re living in a nanny state. If it does, then bring on the nanny.
