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If you are like me, you don’t know much about Twitter. It’s defined as a kind of social networking, which is accomplished by micro-blogging. Of course, you may not know much about blogging either, but then you probably have an Edsel and an 8-track player to keep you amused.
As I understand Twitter, it is based on the concept your everyday, mundane life is actually interesting to someone. It is also based on the concept constant use of the cellphone is not enough to adequately convey the tiniest details of your life to your friends. The whole world is just dying to know what you are doing every waking minute. Old folks like me used to call that being stuck on yourself.
You would be surprised at some of the big names who twitter. President Barack Obama twitters in his spare time. I was curious about what our president, who seems to have a pretty full plate, finds to twitter about, so I went to his Web site only to find it out of order (or whatever you call it when your twitter isn’t working).
I am thinking about twittering myself (I take a backseat to no one in my sense of self-importance). I could twitter about the household chores I never remember to do or how exciting it is to watch me surf 500 channels at the speed of light. I think I would like to twitter under an alias if that is permitted. I once went to junior high school with a kid by the name of David Flitter. I could call my blog "The Flitter Twitter." Imagine people would flock to my site just to find out if I had the Vanilla Granola or Raisin Bran for breakfast. I also could keep them abreast of which flavor white tea (with only one-eighth the caffeine of regular tea) I chose to drink at lunch with my bowl of soup. I prefer Inko’s Honeydew. I could even figure out how to twitter during sex, if I could adequately describe my wife’s snoring during the act. Are you excited about the prospect yet? Is it possible to twitter, use Facebook, send a text message and listen to an iPod at the same time?
My wife used to rant about kids who walked around with a Walkman plugged into their ears. She would sniff the younger generation had to be entertained all the time. But listening to a Walkman is already part of the good old days. Today’s generation is really so plugged into itself even when they are sitting across from you, they are not really there. Gertrude Stein once said, "There isn’t any there there." Well, our youth are never really here, they are always there. I have a lovely 12-year-old granddaughter I haven’t really had a conversation with in a year because every time I am in her company she is either texting, sending e-mails or listening to her iPod. I figure the next time we talk will be at her wedding, if she isn’t busy updating her Facebook page.
I am often amazed at how every one of our new technological inventions winds up centering on sex. We all know the main reason for the Internet is to search for porn after your wife or girlfriend has fallen asleep. I just found out texting has turned into sexting. It simply means sending a naked picture of yourself to other folks, who in turn, send naked photos of themselves to you. I don’t know about you, but I want to spare my friends the sight of my 70-year-old body and, with very few exceptions, I really am not interested in nude pictures of them. One of the things I have learned in my long life is most people’s looks improve with each layer of clothes they put on. I won’t be sexting anytime soon.
I still can’t fathom the idea of President Obama twittering in his spare time. Even better, I would have been curious if our last president had twittered. I believe if George W. had twittered in his spare time, there would have been a single entry — "Clearing brush."
It would have been nice if Octomom had twittered. Imagine being able to read her thoughts about why she wanted more kids after the first six. That gives me an idea for a future column: I plan to float an idea whereby Octomom, Angelina Jolie and Mia Farrow adopt every kid in the world and leave the rest of us to the single lifestyle we so richly deserve.
What is it they call people who use Twitter? Twits?
