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At one point in "The Twilight Saga: New Moon," angsty heroine Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) goes to a movie with her estranged gal pal Jessica (Anna Kendrick). When the pair leaves the theater, Jessica complains about the film being "self-referential," or something like that. My immediate thought was, "did these girls just walk out of their own movie?"
Because, on top of countless other problems, "New Moon" suffers from one of the worst symptoms of Sequel Syndrome: Flagrant self-regard. This featherbrained film, which opened at No. 1 last weekend, is irritatingly aware of its built-in fan base, as director Chris Weitz and screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg kowtow to their tween target audience like the faithful, fearful slave parents in "Village of the Damned."
We’re not even comfortably nestled into the first act before alabaster-skinned vampire Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) makes his slow-motion entrance, cheekbones literally glistening, and his button-down shirt waving in the wind like he just waltzed out of a Nautica ad. Such a vainglorious display is nothing compared to the wanton objectification of Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner), a Native-American werewolf who whips off his T-shirt with risible precision and flexes his eight-pack with an embarrassing amount of high school-hottie pride.
One certainly can’t accuse Weitz and Rosenberg of straying from their source material for "New Moon" is every inch a cheesy romance novel splashed across the screen. In this second episode of Stephenie Meyer’s literary saga, Edward abandons his beloved Bella in their hometown of Forks, Wash., for fear one of his kinsman will nibble on her neck. In Edward’s absence, Bella, newly fond of adrenaline and longing to be a vamp herself, falls into the arms of Jacob.
The dialogue is aggressively awful, the emotions entirely superficial. The fight sequences are pointless.
Though adored by millions, Pattinson is boring and Lautner’s acting is excruciating. The only upside is Stewart, a beautiful, talented actress whose gifts far exceed this silly franchise.
The Twilight Saga: New Moon
PG-13
One reel out of four
In theaters now
Paper Heart
PG-13
Available Tuesday
Not in the mood for a syrupy, monster-mash love triangle? Cozy up to the quirky, romantic faux-documentary "Paper Heart" from director Nicholas Jasenovec, who co-wrote the script with his lead, the infectious Charlyne Yi ("Knocked Up").
As she travels across America seeking different perspectives on the nature of love, Yi is effortlessly charming, and she’s wonderfully matched by on-screen squeeze and former real-life boyfriend Michael Cera ("Juno," "Year One"), whose endearingly awkward schtick has yet to wear out its welcome.
