28043877
Why is it we encourage kids to believe in Santa Claus? Adults who believe in a “free lunch” were once kids who believed Christmas gifts were free because they were made by Santa and his elves in the North Pole. We have a lot of these people walking around today who believe you can have low taxes and lots of government services because they grew up believing in Santa Claus. These people are called Republicans.
When I spend big bucks for a toy, is it wrong for me to want credit for it? I crave the adulation for standing in line at Toys “R” Us. I don’t want the kids to believe some overweight guy in a red suit and his elves hammered the toy together at some undisclosed site at the North Pole. Incidentally, why the North Pole? Why not a manufacturing plant in Detroit? Isn’t it slightly more plausible Detroit is making toys now that they don’t make many Chryslers? And, by the way, the toys appear to be made better than the cars.
How about the carbon footprint involved in having toys shipped around the world from the North Pole? It is admirable no fuel is involved since they’re delivered in a sled pulled by a bunch of flying reindeer, but is that enough to offset the fact the North Pole is not exactly centrally located? Has Al Gore weighed in on this yet? Do we slap an import tax on toys made in the North Pole? Have we considered these elves are taking jobs away from American workers? And I suspect the elves are non-union. How about if a reindeer has to do number two while flying over your house? It’s not just the mess I’m worried about. That stuff could hit with the impact of a drone missile. Who cleans it up? Who pays for the damage? Call my lawyer, will you.
Maybe that’s not the biggest issue with the reindeer. Where did Santa find reindeer that fly? And is there ever open season on them? I hear they keep breeding, all those little Dashers and Dancers running around. Call out the sharpshooters. Has Sarah Palin ever hunted flying reindeer and why is it Oprah never asked her that? Maybe that’s why they hunt animals from small planes and helicopters in Alaska — even easier to kill flying reindeer.
I confess I don’t understand this Rudolph thing at all. Until Gene Autry recorded the song, I really don’t remember any mention of Rudolph. I read “’Twas the Night Before Christmas” a million times and there’s no mention of Rudolph. I hardly think the author of this poem could have forgotten a reindeer with a blinking red nose. And just how did Rudolph get that way? Did his mother mate with a traffic light? Couldn’t Rudolph be replaced with a GPS by now? What does Rudolph do on a clear Christmas Eve?
While we’re at it, why does Santa still smoke a pipe? Hasn’t he read the surgeon general’s warning? Why isn’t Santa subject to the same no-smoking rules as the rest of us? Is he really the right role model for kids? He’s heavier than Charles Barkley without the sense of humor. No wonder our kids are obese. Should we really be leaving Santa cookies and milk when he should be on Weight Watchers? Do him a favor, parents, leave Santa a celery stalk and some low-fat dressing this year.
How the hell does this guy fit down the chimney anyway? If we know Santa is coming, why don’t we just leave the front door unlocked? The chimney is a dirty, disgusting place. I know my wife doesn’t want anyone, even Santa, tracking soot all over the rugs.
How about this stuff about Santa seeing you when you’re sleeping and knows when you’re awake? What is he, the CIA? Isn’t it a gigantic waste of time just to give out some gifts? Can’t we put Santa to better use, like spying on al Qaeda?
The other thing that bothers me is, when kids are naughty, he still leaves a lump of coal in their stocking. How many miners have given their lives to supply Santa with lumps of coal? You think if a gangbanger gets a lump of coal in his stocking, he’s going to get upset? Is this really an effective punishment? I’m surprised no one has hijacked Santa yet. (“You want some hot toys, cheap, right from Santa himself?”) Did they fall off the back of a sleigh?
We might want to update the coal in the stocking bit. How about if a kid is bad, Santa leaves him or her a copy of Palin’s “Going Rogue” or maybe that Glenn Beck book with him dressed like a Nazi on the cover. That’s not only real punishment, that will really scare the hell out of them.
28043877
