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Much like the Christmas column, no self-respecting columnist can let his end-of-the-year column pass without making all sorts of predictions for the coming year. The problem is, I am rarely correct.
You want an example of how wrong I can be? Last year, I predicted Michael Vick would become just a footnote in Eagles’ history. If I had been around 150 years ago, I would have predicted Lincoln would not have been re-elected and James Buchanan would be remembered as our greatest president. Sorry, no predictions.
Another option would be to recount all of the great times I have had on New Year’s Eve. Alas, those would be largely a figment of my imagination. In fact, I was without a date so often that the only reason my wife agreed to marry me was out of New Year’s Eve pity. One memorable year, I had a date and splurged on reservations. My date canceled.
I then bought a ticket to a party at a private club on South Broad Street where a buddy promised to meet me and we would troll for women together. I showed up. He didn’t. Everyone at the party had a date. I went home and was in bed before midnight. Needless to say, this column will not be about my great experiences greeting the new year.
I am a great believer in “the past is prologue to the future.” I will concentrate on the news stories that usher us out of ’10 as they may be key to what the new year holds.
Terrorists have apparently tired of screwing up air travel just as we spent a couple of trillion dollars on body scanners. It is being reported their new target will be salad bars and all-you-can-eat buffets. The terrorists plan to poison this most important of America’s food source in malls everywhere. Apparently, the Chinese Buffet in my area will be serving fried ricin rather than rice and I would be especially careful eating the bacon bits at Salad Alley in the future. …
We are cracking down on commercial fishermen who are hacking shark’s fins, which are used to make a delicacy called shark fin soup, and tossing the sharks back into the water. Campbell’s is complaining because it was planning to come out with a chunky version, with sea salt no less.
Frogs want to know why is it OK to take their legs and not OK to hack off the fins of a shark? Shark fin soup is very costly because only Richard Dreyfus would volunteer to hack off the fins of a great white. Uncle Nunzi says it is the same reason that buffalo mozzarella is so expensive. No one wants to milk a buffalo. …
Have you heard about the problems with the new Broadway show “Spider-Man: Turn on the Dark?” This is the most expensive show ever to hit Broadway, primarily because of the medical premiums. At one time or another, the entire cast has been hospitalized. Do we really need another show or film about a cartoon character? Did Broadway run out of Charles Dickens’ novels to produce? …
They have solved the problem of not paying Christmas bonuses to Wall Street executives by raising their base salaries by $200,000. I don’t want to say that Wall Street bribed Congress to allow this latest outrage, but I understand Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) sponsored the loophole and named it the Gordon Gecko Law. …
I am so grateful that the court struck down the mandate in Obamacare that you have get health care coverage. Republicans had warned the mandate might lead to the government requiring Americans to eat it. Is that what they mean about America going green? I am OK with the broccoli stems, it’s just those little florets that won’t go down very easily. In fact, I’d rather appear before a death panel than eat broccoli. Uncle Nunzi tells me that in Italy the government already requires them to eat broccoli rabe, and no one is upset. …
I am very interested in seeing what kind of sensitivity training the Pentagon gives the troops now that “don’t ask, don’t tell” has been repealed. I suggest regular showings of “La Cage aux Folles” at base theaters. Perhaps they can come up with something a little brighter than olive drab for the uniforms? …
I’m wondering when Fox News will run a banner that reads: Socialist president cuts taxes for the wealthy? …
Poor Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour. He is so easily misunderstood by the liberal media in the North. He made an off-the cuff comment about how the White Citizens Council in Yazoo, where he was born and raised, kept the town folks from joining the KKK. Barbour may have a point because the very definition of liberalism in Yazoo is not dressing in a sheet and a pointy hat. I hear that, unlike the Klan, the Council didn’t burn a cross on your lawn unless they were making S’mores.
So is it time to sing “Auld Lang Syne” yet, and what the hell does “Auld Lang Syne” mean anyway? SPR
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