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Finally somebody figured out what our big problem is in the suburbs of Philadelphia: Too many geese. In its finest tradition of investigative reporting, The Inquirer uncovered the story last week. Geese are dumping on us. And I do mean dumping. Sometimes those of us who live in the city don’t appreciate the horrific conditions suburbanites have to deal with every day. We have seen the suburban future and it is covered with goose poop. Don’t trivialize the problem, dear reader. Would you want to step in the stuff on the way to the 18th hole?
This is the stuff out of a Stephen King novel. Some of us view geese as beautiful creatures brushing the water off of their wings, but not Abington Township’s park director.
“They’re horrible,” he told The Inquirer.
In Downingtown, they placed wooden crocodiles in their ponds and lakes, but the geese weren’t fooled. In Coatesville, they used wooden dogs. Rumor has it the wooden crocodiles in Downingtown ate some of the wooden dogs, but the geese just keep coming.
To put this in perspective, this is the worst problem they’ve faced since they were forced to pay the city wage tax when they worked in these parts. The director of Upper Dublin Township parks and recreation reminds us that the possibility of stepping in goose poop has terrorized suburban kids to the point where they are wearing boots rather than penny loafers. The preppy-shoe industry may be looking for a government bailout to avoid shutting down.
The Inky quotes someone from the Pennsylvania Game Commission that said the geese bombard their lawns and golf courses with about 115,000 pounds of droppings every day. I would be interested in finding out how they came up with that number. Is there someone who goes around measuring daily goose poop? If so, I suggest Gov. Corbett look no further in his quest to cut government jobs.
There is always another side to the story and, in its effort to be fair and balanced, The Inky found someone who actually doesn’t think that geese are that big a deal. Edita Birnkrant is the New York director of Friends of Animals (they had to go to New York to find a goose-friendly quote?). Birnkrant believes the problem is greatly overstated.
“I keep hearing, ‘Too many. There’s too many.’ But what model are we using to decide ‘too many’?” I suggest to Birnkrant that the model being used might be the 115,000 pounds of goose poop falling on the suburbs on a daily basis. I presume if just a ton fell on Ms. Birnkrant, she might feel differently.
In this reporter’s never-ending quest to solve the goose problem, I personally went around and interviewed well-known experts from all over the world on how to solve the problem. Here are the results:
Charlie Sheen: I just sent a flock of geese to fly over the homes of my CBS bosses and I am winning. Maybe it’s goose blood flowing through my veins?
Georges Perrier: I suggest the problem could be cured by serving the goose with a nice Beurre blanc sauce and a bottle of crisp white wine.
Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi: I am still in charge. Bomb the gooses or is it geeses?
Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker: We in Wisconsin have taken the lead in eradicating the goose poop problem by not allowing them to collectively gather in public.
New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie: I’m the only one who will tell you the truth. The geese are predatory teachers in disguise and I for one am not going to put up with any of their poop.
Gov. Tom Corbett: Silence …
Edward G. Rendell: The Chinese wouldn’t put up with this poop. They’d be doing advanced trigonometry while hunting down these geese. The ducks tried messing with the Chinese and that’s how we wound up with Peking Duck.
Glenn Beck: There is a liberal conspiracy in this country, financed by George Soros, to poop all over this beloved nation. I’ll just write that on a blackboard for emphasis and publish a ghost-written book about it and make a ton of money.
Philadelphia Daily News Editor Larry Platt: We’ll put the goose poop story on the front page. I’m just trying to figure out how to manage a tie-in with Hooters’ girls.
Mayor Michael Nutter : There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that our population in Philadelphia went up for the first time in 60 years because we included geese in the count.
Councilman-at-Large Frank Rizzo Jr.: I didn’t know they had geese in Aruba.
Perk Perkins (CEO of Orvis, a high-end fishing and sporting goods chain) : Does this mean I have to stop selling the knot belts and khaki slacks with pictures of geese all over them?
Cardinal Justin Rigali (Archbishop of Philadelphia): Goose poop? We should have such problems.
Charlie Manuel: Can the goose play second base?
Uncle Nunzi: My nephew, the big-shot columnist, he’s been full of goose poop and every other kind of poop for years. SPR
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