28043877
Few people know the Spaniards celebrated Thanksgiving long before the pilgrims and Native Americans. The Spaniards were known as being very cruel to indigenous populations (that may be how they came up with roasting natives on an open fire instead of turkeys). The holiday became known for the first human paella. In later years, under noted explorer Hernando Cortez, Aztecs were used almost exclusively in paella. ”The Christmas Song,” was first known in Spain as “Aztecs Roasting on an Open Fire.”
In 1621, the first Thanksgiving feast took place at Plymouth Plantation (a five-star pilgrim resort). Thanksgiving was a sort of tribute to the Almighty God, so some pilgrims suggested substituting atheists for Aztecs on the roasting spit. The important distinction between pilgrims and puritans is the puritans had no qualms about roasting atheists. After the pilgrims and American Indians passed the peace pipe, everyone was so high that even the atheists were embraced. The more they smoked, the more thankful they became, and no one noticed grandma had forgotten to put the little meatballs in the escarole soup. At the end of the bountiful feast, all of the raviolis had been eaten, but the turkey was practically left untouched.
While the fumes from the peace pipe wafted through the crisp, autumn air, one of the American Indian braves put “Purple Haze” on the stereo. Incidentally, not all of the Native Americans were called braves. Several (including one of my descendants) hid in the tepee during raids and came to be called “cowards.”
An 8-year-old (a pilgrimette?) wanted to know why everyone called the niblets maize instead of corn, which prompted a lengthy debate. Squanto settled the argument by pointing out the colors of Michigan’s football team are maize and blue. How would it sound if Michigan’s colors were corn and blue? Who would sing their fight song?
Then a man, who resembled Garry Shandling and called himself Capt. John Smith, said, “How does it sound to say you are eating maize on the cob?” The argument began all over again. It appeared the day was going to end peacefully until an American Indian brave wearing a Packers jersey got into an argument with a pilgrim decked out in the Detroit Lions’ Honolulu blue and silver over how many times the Lions would sack Aaron Rogers. That’s when the American Indian wars that lasted until the first Black Friday sale broke out.
Abraham Lincoln proclaimed a national day of Thanksgiving for Nov. 26, 1863. Some thought Father Abraham’s decision was peculiar since the country was in the midst of the bloody Civil War. In his wisdom, Lincoln pointed out those able men who had coughed up $300 to pay someone else to fight for them, were in a mood to celebrate. A noted historian said Bob Hope entertained Union Army members while the Confederacy opted for Hank Williams Jr.
It took Franklin Delano Roosevelt to come up with the idea to make Thanksgiving into the commercial success it is today. In 1939, the U.S. was in the midst of The Great Depression. Republicans were crying out for a tax cut for the wealthy. November had five weeks on the calendar that year. FDR decided henceforth, Thanksgiving would be celebrated on the fourth week in November in order to give merchants more time to sell their goods and increase profits. At that time, there was a quaint notion that it was inappropriate to advertise Christmas sales before Thanksgiving. In fact, no radio stations played Christmas music before the first week in December.
The brilliant solution made Thanksgiving come earlier. Major department store owners proposed to celebrate Thanksgiving in July (let’s really extend the Christmas shopping season), but FDR rejected it, along with a proposal to celebrate Christmas twice a year. Republicans were upset the White House was tinkering with a beloved holiday, so they continued to celebrate it Nov. 30. Since a presidential declaration is not binding, Republicans and Democrats celebrated Thanksgiving on different days for the next two years. Independents refused to celebrate it at all.
In a grand compromise, both political parties decided to split the difference. In 1941, FDR signed the law to make Thanksgiving an official federal holiday on the fourth Thursday of November. Fox News continues to celebrate Republican Thanksgiving even today and has gone so far as to report the scores of Thanksgiving football games a week late.
Football has become a large part of the Thanksgiving celebration despite the protestations of women (except those who inhabit sports bars and wear their favorite team’s jersey). The Lions began hosting a noon Thanksgiving Day game in Detroit in 1934.
Why football on Thanksgiving? Turkey contains high amounts of tryptophan. Before football on TV, men tended to gorge on turkey only to fall into a deep coma before the pumpkin pie was served. Now the point spread keeps most of us awake, and that is why we are truly thankful. SPR
Send a letter to the South Philly Review at editor@southphillyreview.com. Please include your name, address and telephone number for verification purposes.
28043877
