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(A review of the columnist’s musings, opinions, predictions and assorted gripes from the past year. In a supreme act of ego, I give you 2011 through my own bifocals)
I began the year with a column purporting to contain “Headline news for 2011.” I chided “Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark” for the injuries the cast suffered trying those lame acrobatics and lamented there wasn’t a play based on a Charles Dickens story to rescue the Great White Way. As it turns out, Spider-Man got a makeover and is still on Broadway (our fascination with cartoon heroes knows no bounds). As for Dickens, Broadway has tired of turning everything he ever wrote into a smash musical. At least for now.
There was a “Best of Cardella,” which for some readers is an oxymoron, and “In the hospital” as this columnist continued to exploit his own medical ailments to fill space and collect a much-needed paycheck.
February highlighted “Fifty ways to get your lover to leave.” Really? Advice from a man who has been with the same woman for 47 years and has had more warts than dates in his life? Talk about your hubris.
The next column detailed “Our infatuation with the Chinese.” The bad news is we are still infatuated with them. I guess, because they own us. My “February headlines” column included “Review reader calls columnist a schmuck; columnist asks if that means he’s getting invited to dinner.” For those who understood my lame play off of “Dinner for Schmucks,” I congratulate you. As for my being invited to dinner, I should live so long.
March began with “Assault on the middle class,” which continues. As of this writing, Republican U.S. Representatives are refusing to compromise to extend the payroll tax cuts for two more months. If they don’t change their minds by Jan 2, middle-class citizens will see their taxes rise, but then Republicans will have to run for re-election bragging about how they raised taxes on the middle class. Good luck with that one.
The answer to “What covering Charlie [Sheen] says about us” is nothing. You may even be asking at this point, who is Charlie Sheen? Continuing in that shallow vein, I asked “Too many geese?” because there were so many that people were literally stepping in goose poop in the suburbs. Oh, forget it. The real mystery is why I didn’t use March 17 to write a column about St. Patrick. I apologize to the geese and the good saint who chased the snakes out of Ireland.
I followed up two fluff pieces with “Doomsday.” Talk about transitions. Japan’s disaster reminded me of my father building a bomb shelter in our basement. Then March ended with “An exceptional column” that really wasn’t exceptional.
I complained about “Marching into Libya with tongue in cheek” in April even though we never really did. We had no ground troops there. Col. Gaddafi is dead, so I don’t have to look up how to spell his name anymore. Next, I criticized the Republicans’ in “Nightfall in America.” After watching the Republican presidential debates, I understand their lack of optimism in America. “‘Dancing with the Stars’” and “Believe it or not” followed, but seem to have indicated I had writer’s block, but kept writing.
A really good May news column was “Ding dong, he’s dead.” I broke with myliberal friends saying it was in bad taste to celebrate Osama bin Laden’s death. I was and still am ready to spring for a catering hall.
In June, I had the chutzpah to write other people’s “Bad predictions.” I redeemed myself with “The male obsession,” a treatise about men falling in love with their own private body part. Tasteless, yes. True, absolutely.
Some may say my best July column was the week I took off. I liked “Teen mobs” because there were too many folks making excuses for punks beating up and robbing people.
I joined the crowd in moaning about Dr. Arlene Ackerman in August (“Ackerman’s failure”). While now gone, she is the gift to columnists that keeps on giving, or is it taking?
In September, “Answering Anonymous” made fun of readers who make fun of me and they stopped writing. (Why didn’t I think of it sooner?)
In October, I voiced my low Occupy Philly expectations, which were fulfilled (“We’d all love to see the plan”). It turns out there was no plan. I also went out on a limb and predicted Nutter would win “The race for mayor.” Just call me Nostrathomas.
November came and went with “On whether I am serious” (no serious person has to ask that question).
My readers thought the year would never end as I ranted about “The polyanna” and the “threat” of Canadian immigrants (“Oh Canada”) in December. Maple syrup sales have plummeted since then. Last week I wrote an inspiring column about Tim Tebow (“It happened one season”), whom the Patriots promptly whomped that weekend.
Can’t wait for 2012, can you? SPR
Contact the South Philly Review at editor@southphillyreview.com.
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