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Oh goody! More Richard Nixon tapes have been released. I haven’t heard them yet, but I understand there are more exciting revelations in them. I’m just guessing, but here’s what I hear are some of the more interesting disclosures.
As the Watergate Scandal deepened, Nixon only brushed his teeth once a day. …
There was some kind of connection between Henry Kissinger’s sex life and potato chips. …
Nixon believed a secret taping machine would be obsolete in the White House because there would no longer be secrets in America. Nixon was not necessarily forecasting the emergence of Edward Snowden, but reality TV. H.R. Haldeman can be heard joking, “Yeah, maybe they can title it “The Real Housewives of D.C.” …
In the midst of the scandal, Nixon correctly predicted a drop in circumcisions in the U.S. and continued dysfunction between the Philadelphia mayor and City Council. …
Nixon can be heard in the Oval Office often humming his secret favorite song “if you’re going to San Francisco, be sure to wear some flowers in your hair.” …
We find out John Dean delivered his famous line about “a cancer on the presidency” in what may be an early form of rap. …
Nixon wondered what his daughter saw in David Eisenhower. John Erlichman is heard to crack, “Give her a week and she’ll think of something.” …
Nixon was insecure about the size of his schlong and White House staff often had to tell him his was bigger than JFK’s. ..
In one particularly memorable exchange with his aides, Nixon is heard scoffing at the idea that in the future a movie actor might become president. “Next thing you’ll be telling me,” Nixon said, “a black man will become president someday.” …
I often have wondered what it would be like if we could somehow overhear the conversations of other presidents. …
The George Washington tapes: “(expletive), if one more reporter asks me if I really chopped down a cherry tree, I’m going to bite him on the ass with my wooden teeth.”
The Thomas Jefferson tapes: “Sally, I really do love you, and if you’re patient, I assure you I will divorce my wife and marry you, and my public career be damned.”
This moment in history is the first presidential lie concerning marital infidelity.
The Andrew Jackson tapes: “What’s the big deal, they’re only redskins and someday someone will name a football franchise after them.”
The Abraham Lincoln tapes: To his wife, Mary Todd Lincoln, “I had one of those visions, Mary, that someday Hollywood would make a movie about me being a vampire hunter.”
Mary replied, “I have a feeling I’ll be portrayed as a crazy (expletive) and they might cast Lindsay Lohan as me.”
The Teddy Roosevelt tapes: To his wife, “Stop bugging me. Yes, I do need another moose head nailed to the wall of the Oval Office.”
The Warren Harding tapes: “You’ve sired so many bastard children that even the National Enquirer can’t keep up with you,” his wife said. “What do you have to say for yourself?”
“At least I’ll be remembered for something besides The Teapot Dome scandal,” he said.
The Calvin Coolidge tapes: (static)
The Franklin Delano Roosevelt tapes: To Eleanor Roosevelt, “At least I’m not as careless as Harding. Now tell me again, why is it a good idea to pack the Supreme Court?”
The Harry Truman tapes: “(expletive) I know my daughter’s face would stop a clock, and she can’t sing worth a (expletive), but she’s my daughter, (expletive).”
The Dwight Eisnehower tapes: “Where did I leave my golf clubs? Has anyone seen my golf clubs? Mamie, if you would get those damn bangs out of your eyes, maybe you could help me look for my golf clubs!”
The John F. Kennedy tapes: To J. Edgar Hoover, “I’ll bang who the hell I want, bad back or no bad back. And who the hell ever told you that you look good in a strapless dress?”
The Lyndon Johnson Tapes: “Vietnam! Vietnam! Where the (expletive) is Vietnam, and somebody tell me why the (expletive) you smart guys ever thought I should send more troops in there?” (toilet flushing in the background)
The Ronald Reagan tapes: To his wife during the Iran-Contra scandal after she had advised him to trade arms for hostages, “Do me a favor will you? Get yourself a (expletive) new astrologer.”
The Bill Clinton tapes: To Hillary, ”Honey, I don’t even know anyone named Monica.”
The George W. Bush tapes: After agreeing with Dick Cheney to invade Iraq, “Did I tell you about the time we won the cheerleading contest when I was at Yale?”
The Barack Obama tapes: To Michelle, “I get Osama bin Laden and you still keep harping on me for leaving my socks on the floor!”
Contact the South Philly Review at editor@southphillyreview.com.
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