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Political strategist James Carville once said that Pennsylvania is Philadelphia and Pittsburgh with Alabama in between. I doubted that until I stopped at a gas station restroom in the rural part of the state and found a photo of George Corley Wallace above the urinal I was using.
Being the moderate that I am, I believe we city folks have to make an effort to understand our rural legislators better. We can begin by understanding why, if you are a House Republican in the “Alabama” portion of our state, you oppose giving SEPTA any more money. Here is an excerpt from my interview with Chester Alan Mathers, a rural legislator from Pennsylvania.
“I tend to associate the name SEPTA with septic tank — something that has to be cleaned on a regular basis. My constituents require only one thing and one thing only when it comes to me representing them in the Pennsylvania House of Representatives, that I stick it to them high falutin’ city folks every chance I get. Most of the letters I get are composed of three words when it comes to Philadelphia — Just Vote No. Once I visited Philadelphia (I didn’t even stay overnight) and the next thing I knew my constituents heard about it, and some butt crack from the Tea Party was running against me in the primary. So what is it about voting not to give SEPTA more money that you big city slickers don’t understand?
“The SEPTA folks come to Harrisburg every time we’re working on their financial needs and they never say, ‘we already have enough money to transport all those minorities, the wheelchair brigade and really old people who ride for free.’ No, they tell us about a couple of bridges that are about to fall down if we don’t kick in more greenbacks. If that’s not bad enough, they paint this doomsday scenario where they’ll have to close down rail lines, a subway line and convert trolley routes to bus lines if we don’t cave in soon. Do they really think the guy who calls himself “A great American” and complains to me on a daily basis about giving all that money to “Filthy Philly” really gives a hoot if a bridge falls down now and then?
“This guy has me on speed dial. My constituents think rotten infrastructure is a way of “thinning the herd” in the big city. They see falling bridges as a plus. Our state senate, which is full of socialists, passed a mass transit bill back in June that would’ve resulted in a $510-million giveaway to Babylon (that’s what we call Philadelphia, and I personally am sponsoring a bill that would require that city to change its name). That bill has about as much chance of clearing the House as me hanging a picture of Ed Rendell over my bedpost.
“I want to show you city folks that me and my fellow Republicans in the House are not bad people. We go to church on Sundays just like you city folks do, or make that like you city folks should do, which gives me an idea that maybe I should introduce a bill to link church attendance in Philadelphia to funds for your mass transit and city schools. I got to dial up Gov. Tom Corbett on that one. Might help his campaign, which frankly is sagging since he went all soft on us on helping some of those shiftless folks get health insurance. Anyway, I digress. I’m willing to put my neck in a noose and even let my wife put one of her delicate parts in a wringer by proposing a compromise to help Philadelphia’s mass transit system.
“Why can’t you use a fleet of stagecoaches? You know like the one that I hear Wells Fargo has in its museum in Center City? I’m serious. You could kill two wild turkeys with one stone — hire the unemployed to build the darn things and the smarter ones could learn to drive them. Could work as a jobs program, get the poor off their hindquarters and out working, and give Philly riders a way to get to work (and appreciate the great history of our country at the same time). You don’t need gas for a stagecoach, so it’s also a way to get the environmental nuts off my back, too. Of course, you would need some of the poor folks to clean up after the horses, but hell, let them earn their welfare.
“Now I know this isn’t a perfect solution, but that’s what compromise is — an imperfect solution. It probably means that the folks in wheelchairs won’t be able to hitch a ride on a stagecoach, but I’m figuring if they’re already in a wheelchair why do they need a ride anyway? And those free loading old folks who are nourishing themselves at the teat of Social Security, well, they’re just going to have stop gallivanting about town and get their lazy offspring to deliver the groceries to them. Get rid of the free riders and you reduce your expenses. It’s simple math.
“Lot of folks in my district have a warm spot for the stagecoach anyway. It’s a piece of Americana. Hey, they could get rid of mail carriers and use those stagecoaches to deliver the mail, too.” ■
Contact the South Philly Review at editor@southphillyreview.com.
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