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(This is the first of a series of self-help columns that are guaranteed to help you become wealthy and live forever).
You would think that buying a pillow is simple. Then again you probably thought, at one time, you could open a 12-ounce plastic bottle of water without spilling a drop. You have learned better. Choosing the correct pillow is as important to your health as eating spinach, something I bet your mother never told you.
The first thing you have to know when pillow shopping is whether you sleep alone or not. You would be surprised to know that after the age of 65 (and sometimes even much earlier), people don’t always know if someone else is sleeping with them. As you get older, sleeping with someone means actually just sleeping with someone. That lump you thought was an old mattress that had lost its shape may actually be your husband of 35 years. This is true especially if the “lump” is wearing plaid pajamas with at least three buttons missing.
Folks who sleep in king-size beds, especially, have trouble figuring out if there is somebody on the other end. At least in a regular-size bed, if your body bumps into another during the night, chances are that you have a partner whom you have ignored for a long period of time.
If you are sleeping with someone, shopping for a pillow can get complicated. All pillows are not alike. Note the instructions on the packaging. If you sleep on your side, you need a firm pillow. If you sleep on your stomach, a soft pillow is indicated. For folks who sleep on their back, you need a pillow that is somewhere in the middle. If you toss and turn all night, you likely need all three pillows, which you must keep changing as you change positions. Sometimes changing pillows during the night can interfere. If your spouse sleeps in a different position than you, you run the risk of forever mixing them up, creating yet another area of argument like whether the thermostat is too high or the eggs should be scrambled or sunny side up.
Pillows may be filled with down or foam. As a lover of geese, I not only refuse to eat foie gras, but I also won’t use a pillow filled with down. And I certainly will never eat foie gras in bed propped up on a down pillow. I tend to shop for all-natural, organic, not genetically altered foam in my pillow.
A pillow case is usually 200- or 300-thread count. I returned my last pillow because I counted only 189 threads. I prefer Egyptian cotton, but I am in the process of re-thinking my position. As you know there is a new government in Egypt, marking the second change in a year. The democratically-elected government was ousted after a year in a most undemocratic coup, probably because the leaders turned out not to be very democratic.
You are probably wondering why, in the middle of giving you instructions on shopping for a pillow, I am digressing into a commentary on Egyptian politics (so was I). The thing is that you need a stable government to make a stable pillow. My simple motto is peaceful people make a peaceful pillow and a peaceful pillow makes for a peaceful night’s rest. I’m thinking of marketing that slogan to Sleepy’s the mattress giant.
Speaking of mattresses, a lot of effort has been put into the idea that you need a sleep number bed, especially if you’re sleeping with someone (refer to instructions above for how to tell if you are sleeping with someone). With a sleep-numbering system, you can supposedly satisfy different tastes in the firmness of the mattress. You could be a 17 while your sleeping partner might be a 12. Here again I have a problem. First off, if your sleeping partner isn’t compatible with your sleep numbers, maybe you ought to think about changing partners (and saving money by buying a simpler mattress). And another thing, being able to adjust the sleep numbers, it seems to me, encourages promiscuity.
Before you know it everyone will be sleeping around because they can adjust the firmness of the mattress to suit their needs. I am certain [former Sen.] Rick Santorum will come out any day against sleep-number beds, unless they are a big contributor to his political campaign. Sleep-number beds might encourage homosexuality because you know how gay men love to change partners. Why should we make it easier for them to sin?
Another thing about sleep-number mattresses — they pose another decision that I will be forced to make. I really don’t like making decisions. I’m upset that my sport socks no longer fit on either foot. I slept on a sleep-number bed one time in a hotel and spent the entire evening constantly trying out the different sleep numbers. My wife, in her sexy negligee, spent the entire night watching me try to make up my mind. I spent a sleepless night for all the wrong reasons.
Contact the South Philly Review at editor@southphillyreview.com.
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