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There is an old Perry Como song that you hear this time of the year — “I Wish It Could Be Christmas Forever.” I like Christmas as much as the next person, (OK, maybe not quite as much as the next person), but I got to thinking would I really want it to be Christmas forever?
In case the genie from Aladdin’s lamp ever gave me three wishes, would one of them be, let it be Christmas 365 days of the year and 366 on Leap Year? It is a given my first two wishes would have something to do with Kate Winslet, the details of which I would rather not go into in this family newspaper. But what about that third wish? After exhaustive study (which included an eggnog and several of my wife’s pizzelles), here’s what I discovered.
If it were Christmas forever …
1) Think of the boost to the economy (hooray), but credit card debt would go through the roof (boo). …
2) All those guys playing Santa Claus would get full-time employment so they wouldn’t have to worry about Congress reducing their unemployment benefits. …
3) Do any of us really want to spend that much time with the family? …
4) Real Christmas trees dry out and can catch fire. If you have a live Christmas tree in your living room, you would have to keep replacing it or the Fire Department would have to camp outside your door permanently. …
5) If you believe an artificial tree represents Christmas, you likely aren’t interested anyway in a year-round Christmas. …
6) Alert to guys: Christmas forever also means gifts of ugly ties forever, too. …
7) If we had Christmas dinner every night of the year, we would all live 20 years less, and there would be nobody having to suggest we reduce Social Security benefits. …
8) President Obama could just spend his time lighting the Christmas tree on the White House lawn. Think what that would do for his declining approval ratings. …
9) If we also could make it Ramadan forever, simply by extending the truce in any Middle East war then in progress, it would bring peace to the Middle East. …
10) If you worry about American productivity going down, just wait until you extend the Christmas holiday to include the entire year. And could any of us survive an endless office Christmas party (would you really want to spend the rest of your life as a drunken elf?) …
11) I don’t know about you, but my musical tastes do extend beyond “Jingle Bell Rock” playing forever on my Bose. …
12) Does this mean my favorite TV programs will be taken off forever and be replaced by “It’s A Wonderful Life”? Life ain’t that wonderful? …
13) I am not going to keep writing out Christmas cards to folks I don’t even remember meeting. …
14) If Christmas were forever, the only folks dreaming of a White Christmas would be Irving Berlin, snow shovel manufacturers and ski resorts. …
15) Are you really going to doom my Jewish friends to a movie and General Tso’s Chicken every night of the year? …
16) Does this mean permanent victimhood for Bill O’Reilly every time someone says Happy Holidays? …
17) Prediction: O’Reilly’s next book will be “Killing Christmas.” …
18) A pseudo-religious friend of mine just asked me if Christmas forever involves going to mass every day? …
19) Somone just reminded me that if it were Christmas all the time, when would you shop? Maybe it would just increase online shopping. …
20) Fruit cake would become a new recommended food group. …
21) I don’t think I can be pleasant for more than two hours at a time let alone 24/7. I’m just being real. …
22) Defense contractors might get concerned if there were peace and goodwill all through the year because who would buy their weapons? My feeling is that the Pentagon would simply send their drones after Scrooge …
23) You’re going to have to display that ugly wreath that Aunt Philomena gave you, the one with her wedding picture surrounded by holly (she got married on Christmas Eve) all year long on the living room mantle. …
24) Christmas forever is just another excuse for the City forgetting to pick up my trash. …
25) It also means my wife will complain every Sunday during the football season — “Do they have to play even on Christmas?”…
26) How am I going to come up with an idea for a Christmas column every week?
27) No more Christmas in July celebrations because it really will be Christmas in July. …
28) Elvis will forever have a blue Christmas without you. Shouldn’t we give him a break? …
29) You think TV news can keep coming up with heartwarming stories every night of the week? …
30) I am not lining up for Italian rolls in my neighborhood every day of the week. …
31) When would we get the time to wash the Christmas stockings? …
32) Does this mean I actually have to find out what is meant by “swaddling clothes?” …
33) I like ’Twas the night before Christmas, but I’m betting we’d get pretty tired of it by the time Spring rolled around. …
34) I’m thinking nobody wants plum pudding at the July 4th barbecue. …
35) How long before feminists start complaining that women are forced to cook Christmas dinner every night?
Be careful what you wish for.
Contact the South Philly Review at editor@southphillyreview.com.
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