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(Peering into the crystal ball for the year ahead)
January: The president delivers his State of the Union Address. An analysis by a non-partisan group will reveal that after introducing a decorated war veteran, a six-year-old entrepreneur, a group of New York City firemen, various and sundry platitudes about the virtues of the American spirit, and the time spent standing and applauding for each introduction, there will be exactly two minutes and 36 seconds of actual content. It will consist of admitting that “we are not perfect,” the president’s description of the roll out for the Affordable Care Act. He will announce yet another delay in implementation (users will complain that when they try to choose a plan, they are taken to a website for penile enhancement — Congressional Republicans are shown cheering wildly).
February: For some unknown reason, there will be a shortage of Valentine greeting cards. Forced to improvise, 65 percent of all men will start their “poem” with “Roses are red and violets are blue.” Fifty-five percent of them will not remember the last two lines and give up. The others will write “Sugar is sweet and so is Splenda.”
March: After a great deal of analysis on my part, I submit my March Madness NCAA pool. The pool will be won by a poodle that selects the teams by barking to tell its owner which winners to choose.
April: I will discover that despite the fact that I spent more than I earned for the10th consecutive year, I still have to pay the estimated tax every quarter to Uncle Sam. Joe from Wharton Street writes in to tell me that I deserve to fork over the money because I am a “… liberal, bleeding heart, do-gooder, socialist-loving, unpatriotic, idiot, but he loves to read my column every week.”
May: The flowers are blooming and the big news story is about a dangerous allergy that is becoming more prevalent in our area. Dubbed Phillies Phever, victims are prone to mental confusion where they think it is 2008 (Ruben Amaro is believed to have spread the disease). The only known cure, according to a leading medical authority, is “a dose of reality.”
June: A bi-partisan constitutional amendment is introduced that will guarantee the right of every American not to be offended. It will mark the first time both Moveon.org and the Tea Party are enthusiastically supporting the same measure. A Moveon.org spokesperson will issue a statement that no American should have to hear the rants of Phil Robertson of “Duck Dynasty” while a Tea Party spokesperson will issue a statement that ends by saying, “… that goes double for the lunacy of Bill Maher.”
July: Another July 4th celebration in Philadelphia will be highlighted by a concert featuring no one I ever heard of. Millions of men will serve burnt meat to their guests who are sitting on lawns swatting mosquitoes in 95-degree heat.
August: City pools close early so that unruly teens will have the time to fight and fornicate in recreation centers before it is time to return to school. “It’s not that we’ve run out of money to fund the pools,” a Department of Recreation spokesman will say, “but we’re sensitive to the needs of our youth to sow their oats before school opens, and swimming can be a distraction.”
September: The official Labor Day celebration on the Parkway will once again feature performers unknown to me, but as a friend points out, “You can’t expect them to bring back dead singers.” Local meteorologists point out that the hurricane season has arrived while news analysts will remind us that storms can greatly affect the popularity of politicians (they call it “The Christie Factor”).
October: The Eagles season begins on a promising note. A local sports columnist discovers that there is a direct correlation to the number of Eagles wins and the number of times that coach Chip Kelly quotes Winston Churchill … The national media predicts there will be a shortage of pumpkins and turkeys again this year. I will ask my wife whether they didn’t say the same thing last year, and if we still enjoy pumpkin pie and roast turkey. She will admit I’m correct, but this year the media alerts us that we may not be able to get cranberry sauce because the bogs will be depleted by a strange virus for which there is no known cure.
November: Tom Corbett will be reelected by a slim margin. Professor and professional pollster Terry Madonna will explain how Corbett was helped by his opposition (a Democrat and four independent candidates) splitting the vote. Corbett says the fact that the voters of Pennsylvania always reelect their governors as the biggest factor in his upset victory. “I believe it is a mandate of sorts,” Corbett says … Local meteorologists will admit that despite dire predictions for the hurricane season, not one will hit the U.S. mainland.
December: There is a major riot outside a suburban shopping center between those who want to put Christ back in Christmas and the local Chamber of Commerce, who are claiming that spirituality hurts business. The Chamber of Commerce folks reportedly will get the worst of the exchange. “More than a few wingtips got scuffed,” is the way one
Contact the South Philly Review at editor@southphillyreview.com.
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