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I would like to thank the former mayor of New York, Rudy Giuliani. It used to be that Rudy’s biggest success was in removing the porn houses from 42nd Street so that it once again became fit for Ruby Keeler and Dick Powell. But Rudy has raised an important issue: Does the president love America? Fellow Americans, while we were being distracted by increased threats from ISIS and providing health coverage for more Americans, we missed the threshold qualification for the White House, love of country. Deep love. Really deep.
You liberals can snicker all you want. Loyalty to one’s country has historically been a very important question in America. During the Civil War, President Abraham Lincoln required confederate prisoners to sign an oath pledging their loyalty to the Union in order to qualify for a pardon. Democrats got into the swing of things in 1947 when President Harry S. Truman instituted a loyalty program for federal employees. But really, folks, it’s not enough to be loyal. It took Giuliani to make us understand that there’s a difference between “loyalty” and “love.” If people want to be president, they have to be more than just loyal to America; they have to love their country. Really love it.
Hang in there with Rudy and me for a moment. An important question arises — how does one measure the depth of one’s love for America? There is no blood test that allows us to quantify that love. Don’t think that a lie detector could solve our dilemma because a skilled liar can beat the test. Your columnist does not pretend to be an expert in testing, but I believe that someone has to meet the challenge. Consider the fact it now appears the entire Republican Presidential Primary could wind up being decided based upon which candidate loves America most. Flash forward to the debate stage next year with Jeb Bush, Chris Christie, Scott Walker, Rand Paul, Marco Rubio and Bobby Jindal all shouting, “You don’t love America as much as I love America!!”
Let’s pause for a moment to understand that any test I set forth here to determine a candidate’s depth of love for America would not pertain to Democrats, so don’t worry, Hillary. We can assume ipso facto ( I love that phrase) that no Democrat by any Republican definition can love his or her country as much as a Republican. This is especially true if your father was born in Kenya and you were exposed to anti-colonial ideas. I’m not sure what “anti-colonialism” means, but Republicans are using that phrase a lot today. I think it means that if people are “anti-colonial,” they don’t believe in the “white man’s burden” to care for the colored races. Likely don’t look good in a pith helmet or safari jacket either.
Initially I thought that comedian Tommy Smothers might hold the key to quantifying depth of love. Tommy, you might remember, always went around telling his brother Dickie that “Mom always liked you best.” How had Tommy Smothers ascertained that fact? I talked to Tommy recently and asked him, “How do you know that your mother always liked your brother best?” I waited for what seemed like an eternity for Tommy to answer the question while he stammered and stuttered. Unfortunately when he finally got the words out, he just kept repeating, “Mom always liked you best.” And I had never even met his mother.
My next thought was to check with many of the folks on my wife’s Facebook page (with her permission, of course) because they are constantly passing along outbursts of love for America, the police and Jesus, not necessarily in that order. Perhaps one of them might know how it is one measures love. I interviewed several who shall go unnamed. One of them responded by giving me her recipe for a macaroni casserole layered with potato chips and M&M’s. Another upped and sang a great version of Tina Turner’s “What’s Love Have To Do With It?” The last one, a distant relative, who was late trying to enlist for The Crusades, tried to handcuff me and turn me into the police. At that point, I decided to give up that particular method of inquiry.
I keep sorting through the various ways we can quantify love of country. All the while in the background, I am playing my recording of the Bee Gees singing “How Deep Is Your Love” (note–the Bee Gees don’t seem to have an answer either). My conclusion–one can prove only the negative–that someone doesn’t love their country. Check that person’s television viewing habits. Obviously if they’re watching Al Jazeera America in preference to Fox News, love of America is lacking. A more subtle indicator is whether the subject being monitored prefers British shows on PBS rather than “Duck Dynasty” or even the Kardashians, who are nothing if they aren’t real Americans. Does that person attend a Phillies game only when there’s a fireworks show? A real plus for measuring love. A taste for Bavarian cream instead of apple pie would cause a drop in the love America meter. I’m not sure what you do with your columnist who has a fondness both for Bavarian cream and apple.
Republican candidates wrap themselves in the American flag to prove their love — make that a big flag if you’re Chris Christie.
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