110833821
(The following news headlines are real and ripped from the pages of life. You know they are real because they easily exceed the limits of my feeble imagination. The feeble comments are my own.)
Invention: Talking girlfriend pillow — Most men I know prefer a girlfriend who doesn’t talk when she’s lying on a pillow next to him (I know it’s sexist, but we’re dealing with the raw truth here).
Science explains why men prefer curvy booties — This falls into the department of things that need no explanation.
Mayor Michael Nutter proposes raising property tax to fund schools — Guess which question will be the first asked of the current mayoral hopefuls? I’m sure each one sent a “thank you” note to our current mayor for proposing a property tax increase.
Mets player believes being gay is a choice — Well, we know being a Mets player is not a matter of choice. I’m thinking of a gay school teacher in Lubbock, Texas saying, “I think I’ll choose to be gay because my life would be so much easier.”
Bombshell: Hillary Clinton had private e-mail account — “Bombshell” might be a bit overwrought, but then again, that’s what I thought when the Monica Lewinsky blue dress was discovered. My grandkids were surprised the White House still uses e-mail.
Mount Everest covered with poop — Could be that the thought of climbing Mt. Everest is enough to make people crap their pants. Might be a good spot for a ton of portable potties. Incidentally, I want you to know that I just canceled my expedition to the top. Sorry, Sir Edmund Hillary.
Louisville, Ky. smells like mildew — Maybe it’s just the new cologne University of Louisville coach Rick Pitino is using? Are the thoroughbreds complaining? I suggest airdropping a load of mothballs.
Man shoots sister with a BB gun over phallic birthday cake — There are so many questions one could ask about this headline. Did he have a license for the BB gun? Is it his real sister or step-sister? Where does one buy a phallic birthday cake? Does one ask for it by size? I could ask more questions, but this is a family newspaper.
What happens when you jump into a tub of Coke Zero with Mentos? Exactly why would one jump into a tub of Coke Zero? Would the result be different if the tub were filled with another Coke product? Was the subject chewing the Mentos or merely carrying them in his or her pocket? My mother once told me that Coke could take the paint off a car (I didn’t own a car at the time). I suggest that this experiment replace the halftime entertainment at next season’s Super Bowl.
Slender Man sightings reported — Like many, I thought Slender Man was a fictitious figure representing Jenny Craig. We’re wrong. Slender Man is described as a figure about eight feet tall with a chalk-white face with no features and a full set of fangs. Slender Man is said to dress all in black, replete with homburg and topcoat. Slender Man has been spotted in all the places where folks used to see UFOs — an abandoned farm in Nebraska, any highway where Richard Dreyfus is driving his pickup, rural outposts in Ukraine where even Vladimir Putin wouldn’t think of invading and a small Mexican village that heretofore was famous for only producing pitcher Fernando Valenzuela. Slender Man abandoned the forest for Bigfoot. He also abandoned the mountains for the Abominable Snowman (which may explain the poop on Mt. Everest).
Bibi appears before U.S. Congress — Bibi is Benjamin Netanyahu, the prime minister of Israel. My first question is why don’t American presidents have cute nicknames like “Bibi?” My follow-up question is why is the Israeli prime minister campaigning for re-election in Washington, D.C.”? Did Bibi make a wrong turn on the way to Tel Aviv? (note the turn would be an extreme right). Did the Israel just give House Republicans the right to vote in their upcoming election? Did Bibi decide to become a candidate in the Republican Presidential Primary (and if so, how does that affect Jeb Bush’s chances?). Did Donald Trump just ask Bibi for a copy of his birth certificate? Will the Israeli Knesset invite President Barack Obama to appear and issue a rebuttal?
Contact the South Philly Review at editor@southphillyreview.com.
110833831
