(I have formed my own news network — the Cardella News Network, otherwise known as “CNN.” We begin our first day on the air with some breaking news. Note: “Breaking” no longer indicates immediacy. It’s just a promotional trickery to make our viewers believe we’re ahead of the competition with a story, even though we aren’t.)
By Tom Cardella
We begin our show with breaking news on Donald Trump Jr.’s June meeting with Russian officials. We have learned that there were additional attendees at that meeting than first thought. CNN has just confirmed that in addition to a Russian lawyer linked to the successor to the KGB, a Russian lobbyist with connections to Russian intelligence, a translator, Paul Manafort, and Jared Kushner, there were other attendees — 3,000 Muscovites, the entire Vienna Boys Choir, several members of the Bolshoi Ballet, and a partridge in a Russian pear tree. Mikhail Gorbachev also advised this commentator that he was in the room briefly, just to get his name mentioned in the news again after a long absence. We have not yet been able to obtain the reason for the presence of the Vienna Boys Choir. When asked about why he did not mention all of the attendees at the meeting, Trump Jr. replied, “I simply forgot. It was a busy time in the middle of the campaign.” He added, “It was a big hotel room.”
Meanwhile President Trump revealed today that he plans to get a future Olympics for Los Angeles. Mr. Trump claims Russia will support the United States bid. The New York Times is reporting that in return for Russia’s support, Vladimir Putin has been assured that he will get a detailed plan of all U.S. nuclear facilities. The president has called that report “fake news from a failing newspaper.” The president also denied a report that Russian officials would get comped at Trump hotels in the LA area.
Attorney General Jeff Sessions is also denying a report aired on this network yesterday. Our sources have told us that when the embattled attorney general was in Philadelphia recently, he met with the Sixers Joel Embiid at the president’s request. Sessions says President Trump is interested in finding out whether there’s a way that person’s hands can be enlarged through exercise. “Embiid is known to have big hands,” said Sessions, “but I can assure you that the president’s hands are already very,very big.” Sessions appeared to wink when he made these remarks. At the same time that Sessions was making these remarks, the newly appointed Director of White House Communications, Anthony Scaramucci, speaking at a press briefing in New York, said, “I love President Trump’s hands.”
Turning to a related story, Scaramucci also refuted a story carried on this network earlier today that he told an associate, “You have to be double-jointed to be able to kiss Trump’s ass enough times to qualify for this job.” Scaramucci assured reporters he is not double-jointed.
In other news on the political front, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell is denying that 49 Republican senators have asked him to include special perks in his new health-care bill which may or may not be voted on this week and may or may not be supported by the president. As you might recall, McConnell had carved out a special benefit for Alaska in his effort to get Alaska’s Sen. Lisa Murkowski to support the embattled Republican health-care plan. McConnell also flatly refuted the idea that he would make the introduction of a new Republican health-care bill a weekly ritual. When pressed by reporters, McConnell did admit that Republican members of Congress are thinking about identifying themselves as Democrats when they appear at future town hall meetings.
Meanwhile at her press briefing today, Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters that the president will be “very,very angry” if this latest version of the health-care bill fails to pass. Sanders added that the president only uses a double “very” when he is extremely upset.
Now my closing commentary, which we modestly call Cardella Speaks The Truth — We should all give thanks to President Trump for warning us of the Clinton campaign’s collusion with Ukraine. While the liberal media obsesses over Mr. Trump’s alleged collusion with Russia, it has neglected the far more serious proposition of the Clinton campaign colluding with Ukraine. While Ukraine, unlike Russia, does not have nukes and doesn’t have Vladimir Putin running the country, (although Putin has graciously offered to do so), Ukraine does have borscht bombs and is known to pound its lard with garlic. Liberals are so obsessed with Russia, but should be more worried about Ukraine. Any country that is downright neurotic about being called the Ukraine, is a country that should concern us.
On the lighter side, Facebook reports that photos of kittens on social media increased 85 percent in the last year.
Good night. Stay awake, America!