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Cardella: Trumping History

By Tom Cardella

(Whatever the event, Donald J. Trump makes it about HIMSELF. So, let’s imagine what he’d have said about THESE events if he’d been president when they happened…)

CREATION: Supreme Being Trump declares that he sees no reason why he should have to work six days to create the world before resting. “I’ll do it in three days and spend the last four at Swamp-a-Lago playing golf. And it will be the greatest world ever created. Nobody else has ever done it in less than six. I have seen the Garden of Eden and folks, it’s a little shabby. We’ll fix it up — maybe some gold drapes. Call it the GARDEN OF TRUMP. Do we know who Eden is anyway? Instead of a fig leaf, I’ll give Adam one of my long red ties. Tell you the truth, the tie won’t have to be that long. Eve will get some very nice things from Ivanka…”

THE INVENTION OF THE GUTENBERG PRESS: “Folks, do we really need a printing press? Television is right around the corner with a great new show THE APPRENTICE. Gutenberg? Doesn’t sound American to me. People who read are not the great producers in our country. I like people of action, not readers…”

THE END OF GEORGE WASSHINGTON’S PRESIDENCY: “I accept your offer to remain president. Two terms of Trump is never enough. I have it on good authority that the guys who were scheduled to become president after me would only be weak cry-babies. Yes, this IS the first time I’ve used the third person to describe myself and I like it. Incidentally, that chopping-down-the cherry-tree-story? Fake news!! I’ve got a great relationship with the kings and queens of Europe. Why not just skip the president stuff and call me king. Melania will make a great queen, don’t you think? Forget about the scepter, I’ll use a golf club. You won’t regret it. And Jeff (Sessions) here will make sure European immigrants will not be flooding our borders to take American jobs. We will bring back the candlestick industry and make the colonies great again…TALLOW TO THE PEOPLE…!”

GETTYSBURG ADDRESS: “Four score and seven years ago — what the hell does ‘four score’ mean anyway? Did I tell you we would win the battle? I like winners. Robert E. Lee — what’s the ‘E’ stand for anyway? Embarrassing? What should we do with Embarassing Bob when we capture him? Crowd yells, LOCK HIM UP! Let’s build a nice golf resort right here, folks. (crowd cheers). I guarantee you, it will be the greatest golf course the world has ever seen! (Turns to Jared Kushner standing next to him and whispers, ‘Are we the North or the South?’”…

WORLD WAR I: “We saved Europeans’ asses! These ingrates! These ingrates! And what do we think of ‘Kooky’ Kaiser Wilhelm?” Crowd yells, LOCK HIM UP! …

PEARL HARBOR: (Announcement on the radio) — “And now, here is the President of the United States.” — “My fellow Americans, today is a day that will live in whatever. People are saying that evil Canada is behind this terrible sneak bombing of Pearl Harbor…”

WORLD WAR II IS OVER: (At Yalta, Trump speaking to the media after signing the peace treaty). “Churchill isn’t so great. You in the media love him, but he’s not so great, believe me. After we saved his ass, he’s trying to get away without paying for it. ‘Winnie the Pooh’ is a deadbeat. By the way, I have met personally with Joe Stalin. I am very impressed with Stalin. He lets me call him ‘Joe.’ I was honored to meet him. Great job at Stalingrad, Joe! (Answering a question about human rights violations in the Soviet Union) — You think our hands are clean? Listen folks, you’ve got to break some eggs to win a war. Stalin and I have a great relationship. The Volga Boatman is one of Melania’s and my favorite songs. I’m sure the Soviet Union will remain one of our great allies going forward. I just wish England would stop crying about the bombings. It’s over. Button it up, Winnie! If you want, I can build you some great new hotels where they serve real food…”

WATERGATE: (Speaking to the nation on TV) “This is all a witch hunt. A third- rate burglary. There are no White House tapes. Woodward and Bernstein can write all the lies they want. They can’t save the failing Washington Post. There’s no such source as ‘Deep Throat?’ Are they kidding? I KNOW ‘Deep Throat’ is a porn movie — one of my favorites. And I don’t care what she claims, I never paid Linda Lovelace for sex.” (In reply to a question about pardoning himself) “I didn’t do anything wrong, but if I did, I could pardon myself. It’s too early for me to say whether I’ll pardon Haldeman and Ehrlichman, both great Americans. John Dean? He’s a weak, disgusting traitor. Un-American. No, I will not resign. I’m not a quitter, and you should know that Trump is not a crook…”

FIRST MOON LANDING: “Yes, the moon WILL become the site of a new Trump Hotel and Golf Course. Call it ‘Mar-A-Moono,’ people tell me that golf balls will fly farther on the moon, which will be good for my golf score…”

Post 9/11, Trump invades Iraq: Fails to find WMD. Blames the Intelligence Agencies for false info. Withdraws troops. Builds another Trump Hotel. Praises Saddam.

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