Cardella: Hang In There

It’s 29 days since I wished you a “Happy New Year.” Are you happy yet? Me? I’m tired of 2020 already. Face it. Happy New Year greetings just don’t work. So, let’s agree to stop wishing each other a Happy New Year, because where’s the “Happy?” You show me a person who’s happy in 2020, and I’ll show you a person who still thinks Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting back together. We should ditch the optimism. Next year, on Jan. 1, I’ll greet everybody with, “Hang in there.”

How can anybody be happy about 2020. OK. OK. OK. I AM happy for former Eagles receiver and friend Harold Carmichael, who’s going into the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Finally. But you think it’s so great being in Canton, Ohio in August for the ceremony? Harold — gentleman that he is, will thank everybody who voted for him. If I were inducted, I’d open my acceptance speech with, “What took you so long?”

I am also happy that former Eagles coach Andy Reid is taking Kansas City to the Super Bowl. Maybe this time, he’ll win it. Andy’s a nice man. He deserves it just for having to put up with Angelo Cataldi all those years he (Reid, not Cataldi) was coaching the Eagles. My wife Fran won’t let me listen to Cataldi until he clears his nasal passages. When I told her how much Angelo earns, she hid my ALLEGRA and prayed I got a head cold.

Once you put aside Carmichael and Reid, there’s nothing yet in 2020 to be cheerful about. January got off to a bad start with the Mummers Parade. I write a column defending the Mummers from the parade haters, and some mook decides to wear black face. I don’t buy his excuse, either, that he was just impersonating Al Jolson. What’s he doing next year, wearing a white sheet and claiming he’s impersonating Casper the Friendly Ghost?

President Clueless ordered a hit on Soleimani in Iraq. Soleimani was picnicking or whatever it is terrorists do in their leisure hours. Iraq, being a sovereign nation, is understandably ticked off. Trump can’t understand that, possibly because he frequently confuses Iraq and Iran and forgets which one we have troops in. Don’t blame Trump. He took the Art of Bankruptcy course at Penn instead of taking Geography. Also this month, Trump was irate because liberals criticized his spelling of “imminent.” The president obviously believes that no stable genius should ever use spell-check. Trump’s learned response to his critics, “What’s the difference anyway?” I’m thinking that, “What’s the difference anyway?” might be a good campaign slogan for him after he beats the impeachment rap.

Some of my friends are upset about Harry and Meghan “stepping down.” First, I have to admit that I tend to get William and Kate mixed up with Harry and Meghan. Some folks want Harry and Meghan to live up to their vows. I’ve tried to explain to Fran that the only reason that I haven’t done well earning money is I took a vow of poverty. I take my vows very seriously. Fran, not so much. I understand that the Queen no longer will allow Harry and Meghan to use their royal titles — “Freeloaders.”

Some readers have constantly attacked me for my partisanship. They write letters to the editor, post on my Facebook page, and even leave notes in my bathroom. Pshaw!

I watched the recent Democratic presidential debate very closely. The problem was that all the entertainment value happened AFTER the debate, when I’d gone to use the bathroom. Elizabeth Warren confronted Bernie Sanders while her mic was still on. “You accused me of lying on national TV,” she said. Sanders tried to put her off by saying that was not the time for discussion. Meanwhile Tom Steyer stood between the two senators looking like a guy who’d  just found out his fly was unzipped for the last two hours.

Warren claimed during the debate that Sanders had told her two years ago that he thought a woman could not win the presidency. Bernie claimed he never said any such thing. But he should’ve said, “I don’t remember saying any such thing, but big deal if I did.” It’s no secret that some observers, especially after Hillary lost to an uninformed, inexperienced, abrasive jerk, felt that it must’ve been the woman thing that hurt her. I think it was a factor. It’s not sexist if you believe that might still be the case in 2020. It’s just an opinion. An opinion shared by many women.

Warren had her best moment during the debate when she pointed out that both she and Amy Klobuchar (the lone women on stage) were the only ones who had never lost an election.  Last week, the New York Times endorsed both women. A strange posture because we don’t have co-presidents, and the women differ on key issues.

January also included Fran joining her work colleagues at a place called BURY THE HATCHET. I personally am not in favor of wives becoming proficient at throwing an ax. That’s not male pride; just plain fear. You may be too young to remember when, during a skit on THE TONIGHT SHOW, Ed Ames’ demonstration of ax-throwing turned into one of the most-watched of all Carson YouTube videos. Ames threw the tomahawk at a painted outline of a male figure. If the figure had been a real man, he would’ve become a soprano.

Hang in there. It’s only January. 

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