Questions for God

I have a few questions that no one else can seem to answer, so I thought I’d go right to the top:

Why give free will to someone who has trouble making up his mind?

OK, so you tell me everything on earth has a purpose, so what’s the purpose of zits (I mean, if we exclude the need for dermatologists to make a living)?

Since I happen to like jazz and another person likes rap, will there be headphones in heaven?

How do you stop souls from sneaking past the pearly gates? And will you share that secret with our border patrol?

Are you really on President Bush’s side?

Can you somehow send a sign to the suicide bombers that there’s no chance in hell seven virgins are waiting for them?

Does the devil really look like Al Pacino?

I know you retired from the miracle business, but you want to know how to top that seven loaves and seven fishes deal? Make parking spots suddenly appear in South Philly.

Here’s my honorable-mention list of miracles you also might want to consider:

* Get Allen Iverson to show up for practice;

* Convince Mayor Street that City Council is part of the government;

* Announce a decrease in cable rates (this might even be beyond your powers);

* Let everyone know that watching reality TV is a mortal sin;

* Cure the obesity epidemic in America (this might be as tough as raising Lazarus);

* Convince wives that it’s not a mortal sin to have sex other than on New Year’s Eve and the first day of vacations;

* Heal the wounded so Andy Reid can’t begin another press conference with an injury report.

OK, back to the questions:

You prefer the Old or New Testament?

Where do rappers go after they die, or is that too obvious to answer?

If our souls are immortal, is that a way around the inheritance tax?

Do you ever tell jokes about the priest, the rabbi and the minister?

You like curbside or angle parking?

Geno’s or Pat’s?

Why aren’t there any fishless days on the religious calendar?

Your feelings about keeping kosher (and if you do, how many sets of dishes do you keep)?

If a mortal sin was committed before anybody knew it was a mortal sin, is it still a mortal sin? (Maybe you could also offer an opinion on that tree falling in the forest with nobody around?)

If it’s true, like my Uncle Nunzi says, that you die when your number is up, how do you pick the number?

Please clarify if a hot cross bun is considered cake or bread (this will help my family, who always quarrels during Lent about this).

Is it gravy or tomato sauce?

How did you feel about Joan Osborne’s musical question regarding whether you are a slob like one of us? Give me a hint, do you leave wet towels lying around?

Did you watch the Michael Jackson specials?

When will O.J. be punished and can we watch?

How do you think Charlton Heston did as Moses?

If you don’t want to answer, I’ll understand, but my editor might not.


Your humble servant