My wife and I recently celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary, an occasion that has prompted friends to request marital advice. Apparently because of that achievement, we are now considered experts.
Much as if I live another 25 years, I will be considered an expert on longevity and will no doubt be asked how I have managed to survive so long. As it is I warn you, this column will be devoid of its usual witty repartee (mostly at the expense of George W. Bush and the Catholic Church, some readers remind me). For this column only, yours truly will bear a distinct similarity to Dr. Phil. Note: The following is the product of my opinion only and my wife may ask for equal space.
One of the best ways to ensure that your marriage survives for 40 years is for both of you not to drive. There is a practical reason for this: When you have an argument, neither of you can go very far. I remember a hot summer Sunday (which is incidentally the single most dangerous time in any marital relationship) when we got very angry with one another and I walked out. I walked about two blocks in the heat, thought about my air-conditioned living room, and decided I’d save my anger for the fall.
In truth, I would not have gotten much farther on foot. I didn’t even have one of those handy little plastic bottles of spring water with me. Whatever we had argued about seemed trivial in the 90-degree heat. I went back to the house and apologized (our arguments normally end with me apologizing, which my wife doesn’t find unseemly since she believes I’m mostly at fault anyway).
Another key to making a marriage last 40 years is inertia, which is defined as not being disposed to exertion or change. It helps if both spouses are afflicted with inertia, but even if just one of you feels that way, you have a 50-50 chance of lasting 40 years. Inertia works against breakups. That’s because at the first sign of feeling like you deserve a bachelor pad and your sexual freedom, you force yourself to look ahead to:
1. having your mother also disown you;
2. having to wash your own clothes and cook your own meals (see above);
3. the high cost of divorce lawyers;
4. being forced to take your kids to Chuck E. Cheese’s when you have visitation rights;
5. the agony of shopping for an apartment;
6. the realization that your erectile dysfunction is not designed to have the single chicks rushing after you (life is not a Viagra commercial). Britney Spears is not waiting for you to leave your wife;
7. the knowledge that now when your dog craps on the rug, you have to clean it up.
If you carefully weigh the foregoing disadvantages against the single advantage of getting complete control of the TV remote, you stay the 40 years.
There are certain things you should avoid if you want your marriage to work.
First and foremost, you must remember your anniversary date. If you can’t remember the specific date, try to remember the year (helpful hint: associate your anniversary year with the team that won the Super Bowl that year and you’re less likely to forget it). Most women remember not only their anniversary date, but also the day you started going together. This is likely to be a hurdle you will not overcome.
Most women like flowers on a regular basis, not just on their anniversary. It’s not acceptable for you to let her buy her own flowers and then offer to pay for them (I’ve tried that one).
You’re probably better off if you don’t vacation on your 40th anniversary at the same place where you honeymooned (I’ve also made that mistake). To put it as gently as possible, it’s unlikely that you are going to be able to replicate the fireworks of that time long past. Insisting that you don’t want to miss the end of Meet the Press on a Sunday morning in a beautiful island paradise is not recommended. Reading last night’s box scores at breakfast while the sun rises over azure water is tantamount to yawning during lovemaking.
If, in the end, you are not very handy around the house (I define "handy" as replacing a light bulb without damaging the lamp), are an ardent but unfortunately mediocre lover, aren’t particularly good at making a lot of money and are likely to lead her family and friends to wonder what she saw in you, then there is but one way to survive 40 years of marriage:
Marry a woman with a helluva sense of humor. I did.
