The inside stories the media doesn’t want you to know, although we’re not sure why …
Mayor Street rents his office in budget-cutting move
In a startling attempt to balance the city budget, Street disclosed he has moved his office out of City Hall and is working out of his home. The advantage, according to the mayor, is that not only is he collecting $1,200 a month in rental income to help ease Philadelphia’s budget woes, but he doesn’t have to make up excuses for not seeing City Council members anymore.
Kerry chooses Bush 41 as his running mate
Former President Bush explained his bizarre acceptance to run against his own son by saying, "Nobody knows Dubya’s limitations like I do, and besides, I’ll do anything to keep the Clintons from reclaiming the White House in four years."
(Editor’s note: Dana Carvey simultaneously announced that he plans to come out of retirement.)
9/11 Commission Report to be available only in adult bookstores
Because of censorship restrictions imposed by the CIA, the long-awaited 9/11 Report will have limited distribution and will be sold in a plain brown wrapper. Doc Johnson’s is rumored to have exclusive distribution rights in Philadelphia. The 12,000-page report has been reduced to a five-page pamphlet.
Cheney now claims Saddam linked to Halliburton
A new reason was cited by the Vice President for invading Iraq at a gathering before a conservative think tank named in honor of Ann Coulter. "In addition to his deals with Halliburton, Saddam is also known to have had contacts with Larry Flynt," according to Cheney.
Rendell and driver caught speeding at Indy 500
Cops say the governor was not wearing his seatbelt, either.
Pistons forfeit NBA championship
A weeping Larry Brown tells reporters that he misled them, claiming Rasheed Wallace missed several practices that went unreported during the playoffs. "I’d rather finish second than not win the right way," the Detroit coach tells a stunned Howard Eskin.
Bush rumored to have smoked pot before unveiling Clinton portrait
Rumors are circulating around Washington that the effusive praise heaped upon Clinton by the President may have been due to a marijuana fog. Bush admitted to close friends, it was either that or start drinking again. Clinton is said to have been surprised by the President’s kind words and also by the fact that Bush actually inhaled.
American bishop asks Pope to refrain from Communion
In a startling turn of events, a leading U.S. cleric claims the Pontiff should change his opposition to the Iraq War or face the consequences.
Major cable news networks deny hoping for more former presidents to pass
In a joint statement, they admit it would be nice to have something to fill their 24-hour news programming for a solid week, but that they wish no ill will toward surviving former presidents. A poll of federal employees seemed to fall heavily on the side of getting another long weekend off.
Bravo to air gay I Love Lucy this fall
Choice of Anne Heche stirs controversy. "Yes, she’s married," says gay activist, "but to a man." Indigo Girls may play Fred and Ethel.
Mann Center gets credit for putting has-beens to work
Hootie and the Blowfish will make their first public appearance in eight years. "Organizations like the Mann help get out-of-date performers off the welfare rolls," said several City Council members. The Council President also cited the hiring of Neil Sedaka, Peter Frampton and the Doobie Brothers as steps in the right direction.
Movie patrons riot
Outraged moviegoers at a biplex in a small town in South Carolina threw boxes of buttered popcorn at a besieged theater manager who had to hide until police arrived. The theater mistakenly had switched films: Patrons expecting to see Mel Gibson’s The Passion instead were shown Michael Moore’s Farenheit 9/11 and vice versa. It was difficult to tell among the rioting which audience was more upset.
