July 8, 2004 — The place: The office of that well-known psychoanalyst, Dr. Sigmund Quackenbush.
The circumstances: an emergency visit by your columnist to put his mental house in order.
The fee: only my Blue Cross provider knows for sure.
"Dear doctor, I’m feeling unbalanced … I mean I’m not the fair and balanced journalist I thought I was cut out to be. I don’t hate this Bush team, at least not the way I hate constipation or the heartbreak of psoriasis. I’m trying to be fair or at least avoid another letter from T.A. Spina. Maybe I should start out by admitting that I was scared by a large elephant during a visiting circus when I was 6. I mean, until then I was on the same Republican wavelength as the rest of my family, all of whom thought Tom Dewey would have made a great president.
"You think it might help if I can make some positive statements about the Republican Party of 2004? OK, I’ll give it a go … let’s see, I was wrong when I implied that Republicans don’t like kinky sex. The guy who was running for the Senate out of Illinois proved my error. It seems he allegedly forced his wife to do naughty things in public in a Paris sex club. I think his name is Jack Ryan, although that might be the name of a Tom Clancy character, who is also a Republican if I’m not mistaken. Anyway, Ryan has been pressured by his own party to quit the Senate race because it’s tough to promote family values when you’re wearing leather and carrying a big whip. Doc, my suggestion is that Ryan run as a Democrat because we’ve been known to overlook those things.
"Here’s another positive thought. I am not upset that Dick Cheney apparently told Sen. Patrick Leahy to perform an impossible anatomic sexual act upon himself. I would rather have Leahy do that to himself than continue to have Cheney do it to the American public.
"I would also like to commend those who corrected that report on the War on Terrorism. You know, the report that came out in April and said what a bang-up job we were doing reducing acts of terrorism. A corrected report that just came out acknowledged only terrorist acts committed by Swedes had been counted. I never thought the mistake was an election-year trick by the Bush administration. After all, anybody can make that mistake.
"I also find myself agreeing with Republicans about Michael Moore’s lack of personal hygiene. I don’t think a guy that looks as slovenly as Moore should lampoon Paul Wolfowitz for combing his hair with own saliva. If that’s what it would take to get Moore’s hair combed in place, then maybe he ought to try it … Doctor, I think this positive stuff about the Grand Old Party is getting easier.
"Another thing I like about Wolfowitz: He knows lazy reporters when he sees them. He was just being accurate when he scolded journalists for being scared to go out into the ‘secure’ Iraqi countryside and report the war.
Instead, they continue to sit on their duffs in some Baghdad hotel, sipping gin and tonic and reporting rumors. Doc, I myself plead guilty to the charge. Only I’m worse. I usually sit in the bar at Mio Sogno sipping a little Grey Goose Citron and tonic when I’m making up my stories. And I have to tell you, I don’t plan on going anywhere near Baghdad even if Southwest offers discount fares. Maybe someday when Perillo Tours runs a trip, I’ll go, but until then, Wolfie, you’ve got my number.
"Doc, let me also admit that the President’s service in the National Guard should not be criticized by someone like me who spent the last two months of his active duty in the Air Reserve hiding in the basement of a toilet-paper factory at 18th and Wyoming. And they gave me an honorable discharge, too, by the way. I was paid separate rations and separate quarters allowance to sleep and eat at home during those last two months. I actually took a pay cut when I got discharged and had to get a real job. So who am I to criticize?
"Doc, I see that you’re looking at your watch, so this session must be drawing to a close. Let me conclude by swearing that I will continue on this fair and balanced mission the rest of this election season. I will not mention those tax cuts that keep going to the wealthiest 1 percent of our citizens without adding that they are also worthy of that honor. I will keep insisting that we will find WMD or the Holy Grail, whichever comes first, and, if we don’t, it wasn’t important anyway. And if all else fails, I’ll raid a bookstore and burn copies of those books by Bill and Hillary.
"By the way, I’ll write you a check on the way out."
