1. It is not a particularly good time to be named Obama when the sworn enemy of your country is named Osama.
2. The Rev. Al Sharpton promoting "values" is much like the Rev. Jerry Falwell promoting a gay pride parade.
3. John Edwards being cute shouldn’t be any more of a handicap than George W. Bush being dumb. Americans tend to look past such superficialities.
4. Uncle Nunzi thought the convention slogan was "Soap is on the way" when he saw Michael Moore on camera. I hope he’s right.
5. Flip-flop is a synonym for "complexity."
6. The President is a dumb bunny who at the same time managed to fool almost the entire Congress, Kerry-Edwards, plus your columnist into supporting the invasion of Iraq. What does that make us?
7. Just a hunch: I’d have a better chance for wild sex in the Lincoln bedroom with Teresa Heinz-Kerry than I would with Laura Bush.
8. Any party that has time to waste on Dennis Kucinich speaking at its convention has too much time on its hands.
9. If John Kerry really did report for duty, would George Bush want to perform the physical?
10. Is it better to be decisive and wrong on every major issue or to still be making up your mind?
11. Dick Cheney is not just another pretty face, but George W. Bush is. Or did I get the wrong meaning out of that?
12. John Kerry apparently just got out of Vietnam in time to run for President.
13. Howard Dean still scares me almost as much as George Bush does.
14. According to Al Sharpton, the African-American vote is not for sale — but he is, if anyone is interested.
15. The President’s response to the Democrats’ gloom and doom is that "we have just turned the corner." He failed to add that he also sees a light at the end of the tunnel.
16. Obama says we are one United States. How long is it since he traveled down South?
17. The networks didn’t want to "waste" time covering the convention because their summer reality shows are where the real news lies.
18. If John Edwards has remained faithful to his chubby wife in overheated Washington, D.C., I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to believe in monogamy again.
19. John Kerry claims he doesn’t believe in gay marriage; he just believes heterosexual couples should be more androgynous.
20. They called Kerry "skipper of the ship" so many times, I had to wear a patch behind my ear to get through the week.
21. Ron Reagan spoke in favor of stem cell research. The Republicans are trying to trump that by having one of the Kennedy kids at their convention to speak against gun control.
22. Bill Clinton said that strength and wisdom are not opposing traits. Sort of like being the brightest in your class and being faithful to your wife are not necessarily incompatible.
23. Kerry strategists are trying to shed his liberal image; they even went so far as to try and keep Ted Kennedy away from the convention. Maybe if they had forced Ted to speak about the need for drivers’ education, he wouldn’t have shown up.
24. Jimmy Carter spoke about the need for a president to be forceful and for presidents to have a real first name. But then Carter whispered to Kerry, "Did the Ayatollah release the hostages in Iran yet?" and that kind of spoiled it, don’t you think?
25. I understand the Republican Convention will be carried exclusively on Fox News. The coverage, of course, will be fair and balanced.
