The Kama Sutra and other positions

Once in a while I stumble upon HBO’s Real Sex series, quite by accident of course.

The first thing that struck me about the show is its title. "Real Sex" as opposed to what, fake sex? Is this supposed to be a reality TV show? If so, I have lived a disturbingly sheltered life.

Take, for example, a recent offering where people go to a class to learn the positions of the Kama Sutra. The people I know go to ceramics or aerobics classes. The thought that any of us would undertake the various sexual positions of the Kama Sutra would be a cause for hilarity. I don’t think laughter is what they’re aiming for.

"OK, now you be the antelope and I’ll be the hare." In my language, "Kama Sutra" is defined as "in need of a chiropractor."

Another thing: I am still not sure whether I’m supposed to be the yin or the yang. I would hope that is covered in the first class.

In Real Sex, people with bodies not any better than my own actually strip and have sex in front of the cameras. I don’t find that very real at all. People I know who look like me naked usually unplug all the lamps and remove the bulbs before indulging.

Real sex, as I know it, is placing a drape over the mirror in my room before getting undressed …

Just when you thought you had seen it all, New Jersey politicians find new ways to give corruption a bad name. Was it only a couple years ago when Sen. Bob Torricelli, enveloped in charges of taking bribes, decided maybe he would make a good governor?

Alas even New Jersey, with its finely honed sense of corruption, couldn’t conceive of putting Torricelli in the governor’s mansion, and he had to withdraw from the race and eventually from the Senate as well. That was when the New Jersey Democrats reached into the past for Frank Lautenberg and put him back in the Senate at the age of about 102.

Then along came Jim McGreevey.

The only way McGreevey got elected after an undistinguished political career was the Republicans put up a guy who was so far right, he made our own Rick Santorum look like a figure out of the Age of Enlightenment. To say that McGreevey’s term as governor has been rocky is like saying that Terrell Owens occasionally puts his foot in his mouth.

Not satisfied with ordinary corruption scandals, McGreevey has upped the ante for future New Jersey politicians. He tried to appoint his gay lover as the state’s Chief of Counterterrorism at an annual salary of $110,000, but the guy is foreign-born and couldn’t get a security clearance (would I make this up?). Undaunted, McGreevey made him an aide. Hey, Bill Clinton only gave Monica a copy of Leaves of Grass.

The guy, an Israeli who is apparently named after the Golan Heights, feels put upon and wants more. Hence McGreevey’s teary announcement that he’ll resign once sufficient time has passed so he won’t have to call a special election. It would only be an appropriate ending if Torricelli threw his hat in the ring and became the next governor.

If there weren’t a New Jersey, I would have to invent one just to be able to write columns like this.

I swear I saw an Internet poll where you could choose who you want to win — Alien or the Predator, and the "undecided" vote is less than that of Bush vs. Kerry. How can anyone be undecided after about six months of non-stop ads by both sides and extensive media coverage of every campaign whistle stop?

The word "undecided" conjures up a deep thinker who is still pondering the issues before making up his or her mind. My own portrait of an undecided voter would be someone who knows the identity of Kelly Clarkson but not his or her own senator. Undecided is another word for stupid.

You see those get-out-the-vote drives? They’re geared to getting the undecided voters out to the polls. I think we ought to concentrate on getting lower turnouts. I want the stupid people to stay home. If you don’t care enough about getting informed on the issues, then please don’t vote.

There is nothing virtuous about an uninformed voter. Stay home on Election Day. Watch your football game or clean your house or play video games, but for heaven’s sake don’t cancel out the votes of informed voters.

Editorial writers like to moan about the low voter turnout in America. Fidel Castro routinely gets a 98-percent turnout in Cuba, so what?

My feeling is that if you have to beg somebody to go out and vote, that person probably shouldn’t be voting. You have a democratic right to be dumb and apathetic. Exercise that right and please don’t vote.

This has been a public service announcement in the interest of an intelligent electorate.

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Jane Kiefer
Jane Kiefer, a seasoned journalist with a rich background in digital media strategies, leads South Philly Review as its Editor-in-Chief. Originally hailing from Seattle, Jane combines her outsider perspective with a profound respect for South Philly's vibrant community, bringing fresh insights and innovative storytelling to the newspaper.