It’s good to see the Archdiocese of Philadelphia has its priorities in order. At a time when the Church is beset by sex-abuse scandals and declining vocations, Philadelphia’s Catholics can rest easy because their archdiocese is taking care of business.
Actually, there has been a two-pronged attempt to rescue Philadelphia parishes from the kind of liberalism that goes unchecked in the rest of society. According to a recent Inquirer article, in 2002 the archdiocese did away with eulogies at funeral Masses. And because of the resounding success of ending that practice (we were spared those long-winded disingenuous tributes written on the back of napkins), this year the archdiocese, in an attempt to recapture liturgical purity, wants to stop the father of the bride from walking down the aisle to give away his daughter.
The same liberal anti-Catholic media that was so in love with eulogies at Mass is now trying to create unrest among the faithful by complaining that Catholic fathers won’t be able to walk their daughters down the aisle. But don’t be fooled. Most fathers would rather be watching the ballgame anyway. If the archdiocese would allow a small TV at the back of the church during football season, most fathers would be perfectly content with just paying the bill for the wedding, if only they didn’t have to miss the Notre Dame game. In fact, there are probably a lot of priests who would rather watch the Notre Dame game than preside over a ceremony in which the couple is pretending they haven’t had sex yet. And let’s face it, the wedding vows that women get misty-eyed over are often broken right after the honeymoon. If you Catholic women really want to get more involved in your religious ceremony, just put the football game on at the back of the church and you’ll be left to run the whole show.
Besides, tell the truth: How many of these potbellied dads look good in a tux anyway? You have to drag them kicking and screaming to the rental store to get one and after they try it on, they look like the Penguin in a Batman movie. If the archdiocese really wants to do something for men, they’d ban fathers from doing the Electric Slide at the wedding reception. There’s only one thing more ridiculous than Dad in a tux, and that’s Dad doing the Electric Slide.
Everything is politics, so I expect unless the new pope intercedes, the archdiocese will be forced to backtrack on the "no dads marching down the aisle" rule.
They say politics is the art of compromise, so with that in mind, I have a few suggestions. This is where bashing homosexuals can come in handy. Why not limit the ban to gay dads walking their daughters down the aisle? This would eliminate those scenarios where Dad is actually prettier than the bride. And it would satisfy biblical venting against homosexuals while letting straight dads off the hook. Also, chances are the woman married to the gay dad already is ticked off at him, and likely would not get upset at all if he weren’t allowed to give away his daughter. In the case of bisexual dads (or those practicing, as they say, "the down-lo"), you could allow them to walk their daughters halfway down the aisle.
Another suggestion is for the archdiocese to limit the ban to John Kerry supporters. This would be a way for the Philadelphia Archdiocese to curry favor with Pope Benedict XVI, who once floated the idea of prohibiting pro-choice voters from receiving Communion. It would not be difficult to identify the liberals in this case (some would say it would be easier than figuring out whether they’re homosexual). Just administer an oath to dads that requires them to swear allegiance to George W. Bush. The ones with their fingers crossed behind their backs are the liberal Kerry voters, who will find it impossible to lie under such circumstances.
The problem with placing the ban on Kerry dads is that they comprise more than 50 percent of the male population in this "blue" city. That’s why it’s still safer to limit the ban to homosexual fathers, whose numbers are far fewer. Come to think of it, I’d limit the ban on eulogies to gay people who have died.
If you don’t want gays to threaten the sanctity of marriage, then you certainly don’t want them threatening the sanctity of death either.
