1. If the government has to put aside a month to honor your race, ethnic group or gender, it’s another way of telling you that you haven’t made it yet.
2. Chances are you can get through life as a much better person if you never listened to either Rush Limbaugh or Al Franken.
3. People who draw smile faces next to their signature are desperately unhappy.
4. If you have to blame the manager or coach for not winning, chances are your team stinks too.
5. If it’s so easy to monitor pedophiles, how about including rapists too?
6. Smokers deserve fair and decent treatment. We non-smokers promise that when we imprison you, we will not flush your cigarettes down the toilet.
7. Memo to Philadelphia baseball fans – when you still think doing the wave is hip, it’s not.
8. All you need to know about the state of Philadelphia politics is if Michael Nutter ran for mayor, he probably would not get elected.
9. Now that Laura Bush has been elevated to our Middle East spokesperson, a reminder to Hilary-as-first-lady-hating Republicans – nobody elected Laura either.
10. People who will pay those outrageous prices at the Jersey Shore deserve those outrageous prices.
11. Is John Bolton’s moustache white because he drinks a lot of milk or doesn’t he know you can dye your moustache too?
12. When you look at the state of the world, isn’t the term "intelligent design" a misnomer?
13. Why is it news when we mistreat some Iraqi prisoners since we routinely mistreat American prisoners, or haven’t you ever made a joke about a prisoner becoming Big Bubba’s "girlfriend?"
14. How can we call Afghanistan our success story when it provides 84 percent of the world’s heroin? Did it used to be 100 percent?
15. Paris Hilton soaping a car in a TV commercial is not obscene. Taking Paris Hilton seriously is.
16. When you watch Jay Leno interview incredibly stupid college students on The Tonight Show, do you get the urge to cancel all college loans and reinstate the draft?
17. After reading the thin evidence against Michael Jackson, do you get the feeling we want to convict him just because he’s weird?
18. Is John Street calling for tougher ethics laws a little like Barry Bonds asking for mandatory drug testing?
19. Now that Republicans are for big deficits and a do-gooder foreign policy, why do we need Democrats?
20. Audio books will do to reading what calculators did to our ability to do even simple math.
21. Does anyone care anymore whether it really is Cher’s farewell tour?
22. Howard Eskin talking politics and social issues on sports-talk radio is the real sign that the world is coming to an end.
23. I need another TV movie about Elvis like I need another peanut-butter sandwich.
24. Should Newsweek‘s editors have tried to see if it’s really possible to flush a Koran down the toilet before they printed the news item? I can’t even flush one of those wipes down my toilet without having to call the plumber.
25. The Rolling Stones still performing the way they do is good enough reason to legalize all drugs.
