It was while perusing the June 17 edition of the Packer Park Civic Association Newsletter that I came upon the solution. In case you haven’t seen the newsletter, let me explain.
About one-third of the way down, the newsletter author really gets going. Packer Park is alarmed again. Now, I have nothing against Packer Park. As they say, some of my best friends live there. It is just Packer Park always views everything with alarm. If there was an award for a residential area that cries wolf at least twice a month and once on Sunday, it would go to Packer Park.
In the newsletter, Live 8 has the good folks in Packer Park riled up this time. The newsletter looks like something a member of the Resistance might put on a wall in Paris right before the Nazi tanks rolled in.
Quoting from the newsletter: "Warning-Warning-Warning-Warning-Warning." I’m not sure why the author stopped at five warnings; perhaps he or she is waiting for World War III for a six-warning notice. The newsletter goes on to warn Packer Park residents to be prepared (and be out of town if you possibly can)!!! Notice the three exclamation marks for emphasis. And why should the good people of Packer Park leave their lovely homes and run? To where – the Shore, a nunnery or perhaps Walden Pond to keep Henry David Thoreau company in quiet contemplation?
Well, you see this silly city, with it being the July 4 weekend, (this cradle of liberty stuff really can go too far), is having free citywide events. That means the sports complex (yes, the one which employs a number of South Philadelphia residents – need I even suggest, perhaps a few Packer Park people, too?) is holding a "full calendar of events," as well.
Now I know there are some of you out there who don’t scare easily, but the newsletter uses bigger and bolder print, just so you know you should be afraid – very afraid. And here I quote the newsletter: "And into this mix someone, somewhere decided to add Live 8 the ‘Next Woodstock.’" Here the author realizes the mere mention of Woodstock may not be equated with the Boston Massacre, Custer’s Last Stand or The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down, so he or she adds – "what does that mean!!!" (not to be picky, but this should have been punctuated with a question mark, but the author is very big into exclamation points).
"For those of you not old enough to remember the first Woodstock – it means m-i-l-l-i-o-n-s of people camping out, etc. (and we do mean etc.)." [Columnist’s note – the use of etcetera here obviously indicates the author is a fan of The King and I.]
Before we delve into what terror "etc." can strike in the heart of the Packer Park Civic Association, let me do some explaining. Woodstock took place over several nights. Live 8 is one night in eight cities around the world. Even if 50 Cent did not pull out of Live 8, it would not be the next Woodstock. It would not even be the next Live Aid, which did take place in this city and, if memory serves me correctly, did not send Packer Park’s property values tumbling. In truth, nothing sends Packer Park property values tumbling; a fact that should bring great joy to its residents, but only seems to trigger more apprehension.
In case you, dear reader, are not a Packer Park resident or are not old enough to remember what can happen when randy rock fans camp out or if you still think Buddy Holly got a raw deal when he boarded that plane, you should be aware no one is proposing anyone camp out in Packer Park. The camping out, if it happens, would take place in FDR Park, a public area. But Packer Park, much like any sovereign nation, claims any surrounding territory that can be linked in some way to Kevin Bacon is, by divine right, part of its own sphere of influence.
At the outset of this column, I promised you a solution. Since the President is looking for a way to test our new Iraqi Army under fire, he should immediately transfer at least three brigades of our newly trained allies to guard the garrison that is Packer Park. But, sadly, this might not be enough to beat back the hordes of tie-dyed, bell bottom-wearing Dennis Hopper-type hippies that could descend on the city this fateful holiday weekend. We think the Phillies also should contribute a few of their gladiators to help man the breach. Although, truth be told, if they swung at anyone, they would probably miss.
In the end, the only real answer is a plastic bubble that would keep the ugliness of the outside world from intruding on the world of Packer Park. This would remove the need for residents to flee this holiday weekend and would keep the author of the newsletter from running out of bold type.
