I understand Michael Jackson has been busy this summer. He apparently has changed the name of Neverland to Sin City. You know it turns out the jurors on the Jackson trial are nuttier than he is – I guess he really was judged by a jury of his peers.
It has not been a good week for NASA. I’m thinking with all the problems NASA has had with this latest shuttle flight, maybe they ought to send somebody from Midas, those muffler guys, up there with the astronauts. I’ve got a better name for this space shuttle: Edsel.
The theory of "intelligent design" has gotten a lot attention this summer. You know, this is where it says the universe is so harmonious it couldn’t have happened randomly or by accident. I think the best theory against "intelligent design" is the Bush Administration. We have tax cuts while we are running a deficit and an energy bill, which doesn’t save energy. And let us not forget the war we began for the WMDs that weren’t there. Now we even have the president and his secretary of defense disagreeing on what we should call the war. How about something simple like The Big Mistake?
This summer has seen some key Republicans break with President Bush over his policy limiting stem-cell research. And, even though his own majority leader recently endorsed a change in policy, Bush steadfastly refuses to change his mind because focus groups have told him that would be flip-flopping.
Now you and I have heard this president speak. How much do you really think he understands about the issue? Really. Can you picture him sitting at the ranch, under the stuffed head of a steer, with a Toby Keith CD playing softly in the background, pondering the difference between a blastocyst and a zygote?
"Let’s see, we save countless lives from Parkinson’s, juvenile diabetes, and the rest of that stuff versus destroying some unfertilized embryos that were going to be destroyed anyway … I think it’s obvious we have to come down on the side of life. I choose the unfertilized embryos."
Bush supports adopting embryos, but I think he’s ready for the next step. The new Bush Doctrine, in its endless quest to protect life, supports adopting a used condom.
I don’t know about you, but I’m real glad these days that I live in Pennsylvania, where we are not afraid to pay well to attract top political talent. And we’ve proven it again this summer when our legislators voted themselves a generous pay raise. You, who are disgruntled about these pay raises are just plain shortsighted. Do you really think we’d be able to attract a guy like John Perzel to the political life without rewarding him handsomely? John and our other legislators could’ve gone anywhere, but they chose Harrisburg.
Sen. Rick Santorum has had a busy summer. Santorum just might run for president if the Whigs ever make a comeback. Santorum wrote a book about how to raise a family in the 19th century. In case you haven’t read it, he extolled the virtues of thrift, chastity and a stay-at-home wife who makes suits out of sackcloth. Incidentally, please understand despite some of the senator’s comments, he is not anti-gay. Santorum’s own top staffer is gay. The senator vigorously supports that gay Republican group called Log Cabin Republicans. Santorum likes that group because he thinks they really live in log cabins.
It’s been an exciting summer for some of our area’s newspapers. They actually found a missing woman who also is hot enough to justify putting her photo on the front page. In the tabloid business, this is the equivalent of hitting the lottery.
I don’t know about you, but I’ve enjoyed this summer by staying right here in the city. There’s nothing like seeing a guy racing his motorcycle up and down Oregon Avenue around 11 o’clock at night to get my testosterone boiling. The driver doesn’t wear a helmet apparently because he has nothing to protect.
I understand, in conjunction with the release of War of the Worlds, an alien invasion of South Philadelphia was planned, but the Packer Park Civic Association successfully thwarted it, which should earn them our undying gratitude.
The city’s program of cleaning the debris from our sewers is well under way. It’s a 10-year program, which means the sewers are cleaned every 10 years. And this is the year.
I told you this has been a really good summer.
