Our presidents’ hobbies set a tone for the times in which they serve. Truman played the piano. Eisenhower loved golf. Kennedy relaxed by sailing and by playing touch football with the family. Even Bill Clinton found time away from the interns to play the saxophone. Indeed, it almost seems as if the entire nation becomes immersed in the hobby of its president. George W. Bush likes to clear brush.
Some liberals in the media criticize W. for taking too much time off. But what is a fella to do when he likes to clear brush? There’s just not much opportunity to indulge in that pastime when you live at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. I mean Harry Truman could play the piano without leaving the White House. Ike didn’t have to go very far to find a putting green (some say he practiced in the Oval Office). Although JFK certainly couldn’t sail inside the confines of D.C., he was able to participate in touch football on the White House lawn (it’s rumored he tried to get Marilyn Monroe to play tight end). Clinton almost certainly blew his horn in the Oval Office (there’s a vice-versa joke in there somewhere). But pity poor W. He certainly can’t clear brush in the Rose Garden. Hence the five-week vacation at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, where there is apparently an inexhaustible supply of brush that needs clearing.
I don’t mind telling you there have been some allegations that clearing all this brush has some kind of kinky sexual connotation. But then I think of Laura Bush cracking those jokes about her husband’s inclination to turn in at nine every night and I think we have to accept it for what it is – it’s just clearing brush.
It’s important to note, while clearing brush, W. also gets to clear his head of negative thoughts. It’s so hard to do a good job, as W. has mentioned at least once or twice before, when you’re surrounded by such negativity. His ranch is surrounded by a growing bunch of war protestors led by that woman who lost her son in the war and just won’t let W. off the hook. That’s why W. had to have one of those staged "impromptu" press conferences inside the ranch to explain how freedom is still on the march in Iraq, it’s just taken the form of misogyny. We call it women-hating, apparently the Islamic nations call it their bill of rights or "sharia." Incidentally, I have an idea of how to raise recruitment levels for our armed forces. Hating women is a very popular pastime for some men I know. Since fighting for freedom in Iraq doesn’t seem to be very popular right now, how about fighting for a new Iraqi constitution that will impose sharia. We could let Stevie Wonder’s song serve as the battalion’s fight song – My Sharia More. Call the misogynist unit the Andrew Dice Clay Battalion. Anyway it’s a thought for W. to ponder as recruitments are down and the war keeps heating up.
W. also has had to put up with the negativity surrounding Rafael Palmeiro, a former employee of the president when he was prepping for a political career as owner of the Texas Rangers. W. had the misfortune to come out against steroid use and now we find out one of his players, Jose Canseco, says he was sticking needles full of steroids into Palmeiro’s butt in the Texas locker room, apparently without Raffy’s consent. W. is against the use of steroids, but supports Palmeiro, much like he is for freedom in Iraq, where there will be little freedom for women. But hey, life is full of contradictions, just as it’s full of brush.
W. has also been hurt by the negativity surrounding the energy bill he just signed while gas prices keep rising. Unfortunately, even W. admits the energy bill won’t do much to help that little situation for 10 years or so, but hell, he is an oilman at heart and, besides, did you hear about that neat bridge they funded that’s going to make life easier for about 50 people in Alaska?
The red states are downright petrified about the possibility Hillary Clinton could become president. Apparently, folks are losing sleep, maybe even missing church, just thinking about the possibility. You know I got to agree. Imagine all the damage the Clintons could cause if they were back in the White House. Why they could lie and get us into some stupid war in the Middle East or they could screw up the economy so instead of a surplus we’d have record deficits or they might even stoop to having Big Government intrude into our bedrooms. Now that couldn’t happen under a Republican.
If I had any brush in my neighborhood, I might be worried enough to go clear some right now. On second thought, it looks like the grass has grown pretty high out on Moyamensing Avenue. See you later.
