1-You can’t peddle pot in America, but you can backpeddle on the war.
2-When Pat Robertson talks about "taking you out," it could mean he wants to treat you to dinner or he wants you dead.
3-When a Republican outs a CIA agent, it’s no big deal. When a Democrat gets oral sex in the White House, it’s treason.
4-The city’s baseball team last won a title 22 years ago and is currently in a heated pennant race. The football team hasn’t won a title since 1960. So which team is the city obsessed with? Can you spell that for me?
5-The Iraqis just don’t know how to write a good constitution like we do. Tell me again, in America, how long did it take women and blacks to get the right to vote?
6-Every time a Realtor tells me my home just went up $25,000 in value, the place I want to buy goes up $50,000. Is this what is meant by good economic news?
7-If the president stays the course in Iraq, he will have no one left to send over to fight but the twins.
8-The way prices are going up down the Shore, in 10 years the only one who will be able to afford a vacation there is Donald Trump.
9-It is wrong for young people to drink and smoke weed at rock concerts, but it is cute when middle-aged people drink and smoke weed at Jimmy Buffett concerts.
10-It is wrong (and punishable by fine) to angle park on my street, but just fine if you dock your boat there or double park somebody in.
11-It makes straight white guys angry if the Phillies hold a Gay Night. The straight white guys want their own night. Here’s breaking news -it’s your night the other 80 home games.
12-The BRAC closed down the Willow Grove Naval Air Station, but kept the Air National Guard unit intact. Maybe we can lease them a spot at Quartermaster Plaza next to the Old Country Buffet.
13-I found out the real moment a fetus first feels pain is when you decide to have sex and reach for a contraceptive device on the nightstand.
14-I am so happy they extended daylight-savings time. This will allow little kids going to school a chance to appreciate what will happen if they don’t get a good education and get stuck working the night shift as adults.
15-The price of gas is so high, it almost costs as much as a bottle of water at a sports event.
16-When the American Indians couldn’t figure out science and attributed everything to the Great Spirit in the Sky, it was called "superstition." Today, when other Americans can’t figure out science, they call it "intelligent design."
17-Rick Santorum may be Pat Robertson’s illegitimate son.
18-Saving tax dollars in Pennsylvania means cutting aid to the poor. Investing tax dollars wisely is voting yourself a pay raise.
19-John Street is a non-smoker who favors smoker’s rights. In Philadelphia, this is known in political circles as "Whatever Nutter wants, Nutter doesn’t get." (You may have heard this song with the name Lola in the title).
20-I’m like most straight guys: I’m against gay males embracing in public, but strongly endorse beautiful lesbians necking where ever they wish.
21-There was an old saying when I was a kid, "It takes one to know one." I think of that saying whenever Howard Eskin calls someone a moron.
22-When it’s 95 degrees outside and 350-pound linemen are pounding on each other, someone’s liable to die. Hello NFL? Anybody home?
23-Words you will never hear the local weatherperson ever say: "There’s heavy rain headed our way so don’t bother going down to the Phillies game tonight."
24-No matter how many hurricanes hit Florida, people will still pay a million dollars to live on the beach. (And when the storm damages their home, they’ll ask the federal government for help).
25-Rome wasn’t built in a day, but it did take the Romans less time than it is taking to fix up the two Oregon Avenue subway stations. Maybe slave labor had its advantages.
