Love is really one of our most overpraised emotions. Dreamy-eyed poets celebrate the sheer wonder of it, but often omit the darker side. There would have been no Trojan War if it had not been for love. Ever think one way to get rid of the divorce rate would be to get rid of love? Love and marriage don’t always go together like a horse and carriage. Just ask the horse who gets tired of lugging the carriage around. The arranged marriages of days gone by lasted a helluva lot longer than today’s unions based on a frail emotion like love. Despite the sentiments of The Beatles, love is not all you need. You think Paul McCartney would like a second shot at those lyrics? Love needs to be nourished by a whole lot more. A fat bank account helps. If you’ve tried living on love alone, you know what I mean.
While authors often write of love, few ever see it as something that lasts. "They lived happily ever after" is recognized as a phrase best left for children’s books. Shakespeare’s great paean to love was "Romeo and Juliet." The two leads were young teenagers — what the hell did they know about love? They should have been on "American Bandstand" instead of hanging out on balconies. Who else would find love so tragic and intense they would sip poison because they thought the other dead? If Romeo and Juliet had merely waited until the feeling passed, at least one would have gone on to match.com and found another suitor, one presumably the Capulets or the Montagues might even have liked.
When I took an American literature course at Temple many years ago, my professor took exception to my praise for Hemingway’s "A Farewell to Arms." I had become entranced with the affair between Lt. Henry and his nurse, though it ended tragically. My professor felt the romance depicted was destructive because the lovers had withdrawn from the world. A great love opens you up to the world, is how the professor put it. I wanted to tell the instructor, at that point in my life I was just looking for a secluded spot and a hot chick, not an invitation to join the United Nations. The professor won the argument when he pointed out Hemingway did not believe in everlasting love so he never equated it with a happy ending. (Note: Massage parlors have since given "happy ending" a whole new meaning.) The fact "Papa" had been married four times may have had something to do with his cynicism.
When people ask me how my wife and I have lasted 42 years together, I usually answer, "inertia." Neither of us drives, so how far could we wander off before we got tired and returned to hearth and home? Tony Bennett sings, "How do you keep the music playing?" If the music kept playing for 42 years, pretty soon you would relish some quiet time. That’s one of the things stable marriages have: partners who allow each other quiet time. There was some newly married blonde actress on with Jay Leno recently (her name escapes me), who claimed marriage calls for compromise. She proceeded to give the worst possible example: She does not share her husband’s interest in football and her "compromise" is she watches the games with him, but he has to turn the sound down. She never asked herself whether her husband might prefer to watch the games by alone — with the sound up. I give that marriage six weeks. The final compromise will be which one files for divorce first.
All kinds of experts are ready to tell us how to make the intense romantic part last. Take it from me, you don’t want that kind of intensity to last. You need time to go to work and pay the bills and take care of the kids. You can’t spend 24 hours being hot for one another. For people who want that kind of intensity, I recommend cheating. It is always important to remember somewhere in this country is a man who got bored making it with Halle Berry. Don’t fight it. That’s just the way it is, no matter what Oprah tells you (notice she’s not married).
Personally, I would have trouble making love to a lot of different women. Sex with a new partner is just too stressful. You have to worry about whether it was good for her. She worries if it was good for you. You both wonder if you measured up to previous lovers. You have to be concerned whether you have holes in your underwear. The only thing two married people who have put in 42 years together have to worry about when they make love is to remember to turn Letterman back on when they’ve finished because they still might catch the last part of his monologue.
It’s not like if you’re married, you have to stop flirting with other attractive people. Flirting doesn’t cost anything. There is no performance risk. No one to get rid of after what was hopefully a one-night stand. Flirting is guilt-free and nonfattening. It enables you to say truthfully and unequivocally, "I did not have sex with that woman."
Woody Allen once said, after embarking on the love affair with his stepdaughter, "The heart wants what the heart wants." I’ve got news for Woody, what the heart wants is a good dessert that doesn’t have trans fat.
