1) Mike Huckabee gains back 100 pounds and is mistaken for Al Gore. The defeated Republican presidential candidate goes on an eating binge after he finds out Satan voted for him. It’s only after Huckabee reminds folks he doesn’t believe in evolution that they realized he isn’t Gore. Meanwhile, Gore is mistaken for the head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles when he is spotted wearing a warm-up suit and sneakers at Country Buffet.
2) State and city lawmakers compromise on casino licenses. The casinos will be built on the site of several remote toxic waste dumps. "In this way, they won’t clog up traffic or harm the neighborhoods," the lawmakers say.
Construction jobs will be given to every ethnic and racial minority represented in Philadelphia’s population. However, the real work will be done — as usual — by illegal immigrants.
3) His toenails all gone and suffering from severe windburn, a gaunt Ridley P. Hickenlooper decides to call off his search at the North Pole for Santa Claus. Having been assured for years by his parents Santa is genuinely a benevolent, overweight man in a red suit who can squeeze down chimneys, Hickenlooper remains steadfast his search might have been faulty. "These neighborhoods at the North Pole pretty much all look the same," he said at his hastily called news conference.
He admits bad weather probably grounded the flying reindeer and elves aren’t easy to spot either, especially in a blizzard.
4) After trimming their payroll by $20 million and raising ticket prices by $10 each, the Phillies announce they are ready to make a run for it in 2008. "I’ve never seen Wes Helms more dedicated to having a good season," General Manager Pat Gillick says, pointing out Helms has lost a few pounds and is flawlessly fielding ground balls in Puerto Rico in the off-season.
5) With the latest New York Times poll showing 97 percent of Americans disapprove of President Bush’s handling of everything from the war to the economy to his insistence on rooting for the Texas Rangers, Mr. Bush holds a press conference to dispel fears he is feeling inadequate. "I promised to bring Republicans and Democrats alike together and I have done so," the president says as he assures Americans he promises to stick it out until Jan. 20, 2009.
The Times explains the other 3 percent polled are undecided and need more time and more acts of incompetence to make up their minds.
6) People are finally beginning to move back to the distressed areas of Louisiana damaged by Hurricane Katrina. While it is true the levies are still vulnerable and it’s only a matter of time until the next storm hits, the public has a notoriously short memory. As Billy Jo Deeter, a part-time Cajun singer/gourmet cook/car-wash attendant, says, "I want to be here when LSU wins a national championship."
Deeter lost all of his possessions and half of his family in the flood, but seems to think it was because he lost a poker game rather than any hurricane.
7) The average weight of the suffering people in Darfur goes down again as health concerns continue to mount. House Republicans blame the average weight loss on the influx of skinny Hollywood actresses flooding the region looking for a cause and an appearance on a Sunday morning news show. "You remove Calista Flockhart from the area and you fix the problem," conservative columnist Robert Novak writes.
8) A five-star Philadelphia chef admits using the hindquarters of a bear in his latest specialty soup. "It’s all the latest rage," chef Georges Marseilles said. "You use the most disgusting part of the animal you can find, toss in some garlic and red wine and you can charge $15 for an appetizer and they’ll beg for more."
Marseilles also has used pig snouts, animal intestines and tails in his coveted cuisine and, as a bonus, never has to put out the garbage.
9) Donovan McNabb declares he’s happy. The Eagles quarterback, after undergoing intensive therapy, now says he’s lucky to be earning $6 million a year playing a game. McNabb has even been making smiley faces when he autographs memorabilia these days. He now plans to stay in the area and make a fortune in business just like another scorned ex-Eagles quarterback, Ron Jaworski.
10) Fans riot at a Radiohead concert at Carnegie Hall after they understand what’s being played. "What’s the fun of that?" one fan shouted.
A spokesperson for Radiohead denied they were trying to appeal to Dean Martin fans after performing "Volare."
