Spending a couple of months recuperating from a recent illness, I have become addicted to the Food Network. I have spent many hours contentedly watching Rachael Ray whip up a meat casserole in 30 minutes. I have watched Emeril Lagasse kick everything up a notch, Bobby Flay lose a meatball competition and Paula Deen Southern fry everything in sight. Even as a fan, I can’t explain the entertainment value of watching a celebrity chef placing prosciutto on a panini.
When the cooking is done before a live audience, the mystery even becomes deeper. For instance, why is it an audience will cheer when Emeril mentions he is going to use garlic (or as he says, "gahhhlick")? He also gets applause for using butter or bacon. Do none of these people worry about their arteries clogging?
None of the celebrity chefs on the Food Network seem to have heard about high cholesterol. Deen happily ladles in extra sticks of butter mixed with heavy cream and shrugs off any worries about heart troubles with, "You’ll just love this, you all."
Ray’s stock in trade is perky. Rachael gets perky when she sees a head of romaine. In order to make a good meal from scratch in 30 minutes, which is her gimmick, you have to have all the ingredients on hand. Rachael has a refrigerator the Chinese army could use. She routinely goes to her "fridge," as she calls it, and finds a bowl of lychee nuts or a couple pounds of Parma prosciutto. Rachael ought to meet my refrigerator.
I am not picking on Rachael. I find her infinitely more likeable than Paula, who tends to slobber all over her guests when she greets them. But Ray likes to use abbreviations like EVOO. Only the hippest among us knows that stands for extra-virgin olive oil, which Rachael even seems to use as household detergent.
Lagasse is probably the most popular chef on the network. He is the one who says things like "bam" when he sprinkles on the cayenne pepper and the audience goes wild. He also has a perpetual smirk, as if he is the only one in the room who understood the dirty joke just told. In fact, I believe Emeril finds hidden smut in everything he cooks, as he winks at the females in his audience, saying "We’re gonna stuff this pouch in the dumpling with the shrimp mix, oh yeah, baby!"
Flay recently lost a competition making eggplant parmigiana. My own personal feeling is he was doomed when he decided to substitute Manchego cheese for another layer of mozzarella. Flay is much more comfortable with a grill. I swear he once grilled his bowl of cornflakes (after adding a little Manchego).
Flay has a grill larger than Ray’s fridge. I think this grill was once a tank in Patton’s army in World War II. The smoke coming out of it may be the main cause of smog in Southern California. Remember, you read it here first.
The Food Network is diverse. It has several African-American chefs, the best of which is "Down Home with The Neeleys."
The Neeleys are an attractive husband-and-wife team. I find it gets a little too stereotypical when the Neeleys start fist-bumping after making a macaroni-and-cheese casserole.
Guy Fieri is a celebrity chef with spiked bleach blonde hair and an earring. They send Guy on the road a lot to visit "Diners, Drive-ins and Dives," the name of his show. What’s fascinating about these roadside greasy spoons is they all make their tacos from scratch, which has a special fascination for Guy. During each show, he burns his mouth on the melted cheese from a hot calzone. Each time he is surprised the cheese was hot.
Sometimes I watch a food show on the Travel Channel, especially "Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmerman." In that one, Andrew travels the world to find the most disgusting foods for consumption. He has happily scarfed down a dish made with rotting meat, various bugs and was positively beside himself with joy over bull’s testicles. I would really like to see a show where someone from PETA roasts some of Andrew’s private parts.
Watching all of these food shows has turned me into an annoying snob at the dinner table. My wife asks me if I liked the salad and I answer, "The balsamic vinegar could have been aged a few more months."
I usually end up wearing the frying pan.
