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Sports
•The Eagles announce Andy Reid will return as coach and Donovan McNabb will remain quarterback. Players cut from the squad include L.J. Smith, Reggie Brown and Greg Lewis. Those of us who predicted Reid’s demise are left to whisper "mea culpa, mea culpa."
•The Phils get off to another poor start. With their lopsided, left-handed lineup, the team doesn’t face a right-hander the first two months of the season. They finish a distant second to the revitalized Mets. Pat Burrell is a DH for the Kansas City Royals and says playing there is like living in a nunnery. Reporters wonder how Pat knows about nunneries.
•The Flyers finish a great season only to fall in the first round of the playoffs to the New Jersey Devils. Ticket prices are raised and Coach John Stevens is fired. No one is surprised.
•The Sixers finish with 32 wins and are out of the playoffs. No one cares.
Current Events
•The Obama administration oversees a slowly improving economy. His first world crisis involves the Russians building a casino in Cuba. President Barack Obama invokes the Monroe Doctrine. (Actually it’s the Marilyn Monroe Doctrine, which says no country but America has a right to build a casino either in Cuba or on the Philadelphia waterfront.) The Russians back down. Later, it is discovered in return, Obama pledged to withdraw plans to build a missile defense system in Poland, and swaps the Republic of Georgia for Park Place and Boardwalk.
•Hillary Clinton expands the State Department and has now assumed the role of Obama’s Dick Cheney (except she is a better shot).
•After failing to deliver on his promise to promote gay equality and force Rev. Rick Warren to wear a tie and get a more suitable first name, Obama appoints Elizabeth Taylor as his gay czar. I write a letter to the president proposing we have picked on gays long enough and suggest we go back to discriminating against ethnic minorities, especially illegal immigrants, which makes us all feel good.
•Vice President Joe Biden finds out, in the new chain of command, he reports to Hillary. Obama tells him not to worry, "So do I."
•The last U.S. combat forces leave Iraq at the end of ’09, but 150,000 advisers remain.
•There is an epidemic of UFO sightings around abandoned farmhouses and in states with lots of cows. Dennis Kucinich is made czar of UFOs.
Locally
•The Mummers’ Parade is combined with the Thanksgiving Parade to save money. Santa doubles as the captain of the Ferko String Band.
•Mayor Michael Nutter proposes a tax on cheesesteaks. Joey Vento proposes a tax on illegal immigrants and bike riders. Rick Oliveri suggests a tax on the Reading Terminal Market.
•Violent crime is down in Philadelphia. Some attribute it to population leaving the city in droves to use public pools and libraries elsewhere.
•A new tax is levied against the 26 gourmet steakhouses in the city, most of whom are patronized by businesspeople with big expense accounts as well as those with terminal-high cholesterol.
•In order to close the budget deficit, the mayor proposes to auction off a seat on City Council.
•Larry Mendte and Alycia Lane are reunited on CN8.
•Verizon and Comcast call each other dirty names in public. Verizon announces more HD-programming has been added, including "How to Change the Lint Filter In Your Washing Machine." Comcast counters with additional titles, such as a "Yule Log Burning in a Fireplace" with background music by Kenny G.
• Bonnie and Clyde get out of jail and are signed to do a reality show on Fox 29.
•Jose Canseco is matched against "Hurricane" Schwartz in Celebrity Boxing at the Shore to raise money for retired celebrity boxers.
•After years of supporting the Eagles coach, Howard Eskin’s ratings have fallen to new lows. An industry observer who prefers to remain nameless claims Eskin’s rating are about the same as "The Andy Reid Show."
