Cardella: Headlines

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“Anthony Bourdain’s Cherished Knife And Writing Desk Among Items To Hit Auction”—How “cherished” is it when it’s up for auction?

“Stephen King And It: Chapter Two Stars Offer Positive Clown Facts”—Excuse me, the only people less qualified to talk positively about clowns is Stephen King himself.

Belaboring the obvious—“Sean Spicer Doesn’t Rock A Salsa On ‘Dancing With The Stars’ ”—You expected Fred Astaire?

Trump Tells Hispanic Voters At New Mexico Rally: ‘We Love Our Hispanics”—I thought I heard Mickey and Sylvia singing “Love Is Strange” when he said it.

“To balance The Scales of Justice, Don’t Be Afraid To Pack The Court”—Will someone gently remind the writer that FDR once tried that approach.  And how did that work out?

“The Abortion Mysticism of Pete Buttigieg”—What, Mayor Pete had an abortion?

“Step Inside New York’s Art Fortress”—Uh, that would be difficult because that’s why they call it a “fortress.”

“What’s A Normal Amount Of Time To Breastfeed?”—It’s according to whether you’re male or female.

“The 13 Best Cookbooks Of Fall 2019”—My wife tells me if I buy one of them for her as a Christmas gift, she’ll make sure I Fall in 2019.

“Sensitive Personal, Financial Data Of An Entire Country Leaked”—That pretty much makes everyone even, doesn’t it?

“Why Is Comedy So Much Funnier Than It used To Be?”—It is???

“I Refuse Oral Sex From Guys For A Very Good Reason”—(Uh, I think I’ll leave this one alone).

“Help! How Do I Get My Ex To Stop Coming To My Dinner Parties?”—Start by not inviting him or her.

“I Only Use This Zingy Southern Mayonnaise Now”—I’m Italian. What’s mayonnaise?

“The Miami Dolphins Really Want To Be The Worst Team In U.S. History”—And success is at hand!

“Pentagon Urges Restraint To Avoid Conflict With Iran”—Hey, don’t tell ME! Tell it to “Agent Orange” in the White House.

“Why Does Nancy Pelosi Say It Doesn’t Matter Whether Trump Can Be Trusted?”—I’ve got a feeling this is a trick question.

“There’s Nothing Wrong With Good, Harmless Fun!”—Gee, I wish mother would’ve told me that.

“Trump Thankfully Hasn’t Been Tested Yet…”—Oh he WAS tested.  At Penn. And that’s why he had his test scores shredded.

“The Hardest Job For The Next President May Be Fixing Trump’s Mess”—The hardest job may be that there will be no next president.

“How Reading A Good Book Can Make You A Better Person”—Will somebody get the President a library card. Please. Please.

“It Took Nerves Of Steel”—To watch three hours of the Democratic debate?

“Jumping The Gun”—Me picking the Eagles to go 13-3.

“…Food Pantry Is Rich In Compassion”—That’s what my wife tells me when she burns the meatloaf.

“Hear That, Idaho? TMI Nuke Waste Could Be All Yours”—I’m just guessing, but I don’t think Idaho sent a thank you note.

“They Were Two Perfect”—Donald Trump and Mike Pence??

“Time To Regroup”—If this is about the Phillies pitching staff, it’s too late.

“Phils Will Likely Try To Lock Up Realmuto”—Is this the new chant at a Trump rally?

“How To Know When To Call In The Pros”—An ad for Stormy Daniels.

“Classes Without Books”—The story of my scholastic life.

“16 Secrets Olive Garden Doesn’t Want You To Know”—Could it be that they’re not using your mother’s authentic recipes?

“Explosion Hits Russian Lab That Houses Smallpox Virus”—Is it too much to hope that Putin’s office is next door?

“55 Things Grandparents Should Never Do”—Only 55?

“Texas Taco Editor Believes That Burritos Should Be Considered Tacos”—In North Carolina, there’s a law that tacos and burritos can’t use the same restrooms.

“Roseanne Barr Plans For Her Big Comeback”—As Trump’s next National Security Advisor.

“Tourists Charged With Getting Too Close To Old Faithful”—I think this is carrying the Me Too movement too far.

“Florida Man Selling Bugatti Veyron For $125K; It’s Actually An ’02 Cougar”—Are you trying to tell me I got taken?

“I Tried Every Item On Wendy’s New Breakfast Menu And It Blew Me Away”—right to the ER.

“Man Repays 80-Year-Old Debt To Group That Helped Him As A Teen”—I hope they charged him interest.

Trump Praises Kavanaugh as a ‘Great Brilliant Man’—And adds, “It takes one to know one.”

“Avocado Prices Down In Time For Guacamole Day”—Talk about avoiding your major crisis.   

“Biden and Bernie Are In Town For A Labor Union Event; City Police Will Investigate…”—Everyone is asking, “Where’s John Delaney?”

“Melania Trump Stands Out From Crowd In A Chic White Suit”—It’s after Labor Day; who’s wearing white?

“Queen’s Guests Advised Not To Mention Meghan And Harry”—The Queen’s tired of hearing about them, too.

You can hear Tom Cardella talk Eagles football with guest Dick Vermeil this Monday from 6 to 7 p.m. on 610 AM or simulcast on Facebook or wbcbsports1490.com.